10 Random Thoughts I Had While Drinking Cough Syrup

10 Random Thoughts I Had While Drinking Cough Syrup

If you follow me on the Twitter machine, you know that your girl has been suffering with a whopper of a chest cold for the better part of a week. After feeling like a toddler has been standing on my lungs for about five days and facing a cross-country flight this weekend, I finally caved in and made a trip to urgent care. An hour and a chest X-ray later, I departed with a bottle of cough syrup with codeine.

Now, as I lie in my bed floating on a medicated cloud, I find myself thinking some interesting thoughts. Interesting enough that I decided to write them down (or dictate them into my iPhone, same thing) so I could share them with all of you…and also remember them tomorrow.

Thought 1: I’ve given a lot of thought as to who I would want to narrate my life. I’ve narrowed it down to James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman, but if I’m honest with myself, it’s probably a story better told by Gilbert Godfried or Fran Drescher.

Thought 2: I’m 100% making everyone call me Doctor when I’m done with my Ph.D. I’ve fucking earned it. That includes you heathens. Even you, so called “real” doctor Crick Watson MD.

Thought 3: Why is the snooze button 9 minutes? Why isn’t it 10? Also, who had the power to make the 9 minute thing universal? If I had that power, I would have used it for something way cooler than that. Like making it illegal to crowd the gate at the airport.

Thought 4: If my favorite thing on Insta are puppy pictures, I should really delete everyone I follow and just follow dogs. Just cut out the shit and get right to it.

Thought 5: Whoever invited chicken Caesar wraps should be given some kind of award. Ditto the inventor of buffalo chicken. Unsung heroes, those guys.

Thought 6: Why don’t the Girl Scouts sell their cookies year round? Those little entrepreneurs would make bank. I’d probably gain that 90 pounds back but that’s cool if it’s for charity.

Thought 7: Speaking of…can someone explain to me why it’s so much easier to gain weight than lose it? It’s just unfair.

Thought 8: How amazing is it that cruise ships float? It’s a giant hotel with a bunch of restaurants, a casino and sometimes an ice skating rink, and it fucking floats? Also, how is it that we’ve figured out how to make that happen and yet Twitter still hasn’t figured out how to give us an edit button?

Thought 9: I bought peanut butter M&Ms when I picked up my prescription and left them downstairs. That’s a decision I’m regretting right now. Another thing we should have figured out by now? How to move things with our minds, because my legs are way too wobbly to attempt stairs right now.

Thought 10: I’m sure I have a tenth thought but I really can’t form it right now. And since I can’t feel my fingers, it’s probably time to call it a night. Love you, bah-bies.

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at

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