You’re Not Fooling Anyone With That Cider

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You’re not fooling anyone with that cider.

Take a step back. You really think it’s okay to drink a glorified Juicy Juice instead of a real drink? You’re not fooling anyone with that cider.

Ciders are the fastest growing adult beverage segment in America, and breweries are all playing snatch and grab with the latest–and extremely troubling–alcohol trend. It’s pretty much just a fancy word for “sweet beer,” and to call it beer is probably unfair in the first place. You’re not fooling anyone with that cider.

I got wise to the cider craze when I was watching a football game about a year ago. There were back-to-back ads for Johnny Appleseed and Red’s Apple Ale. I couldn’t help but think to myself, “Who in the sweet hell would ever drink such a ridiculous drink?” Apparently, everyone in America.

It’s the new fad among beer snobs who turn up their nose at Budweiser, who scoff at decent craft beers like Fat Tire. You’re not fooling anyone with that cider.

The rise of cider is like that of PBR. Ooh, look at me, I’m drinking cider. Put down that Strongbow and grab a real drink. Strongbow might be the most badass name for an alcoholic beverage since Mad Dog 20/20, but in the same breath, they’re both garbage. You’re not fooling anyone with that cider.

Am I saying that drinking cider makes you less manly? Of course not. I’m simply saying that it does not make you as unique as you think it does. If I see you actually say the words “hmm, I’ll have a cider” at the bar, you better be damn sure you have a kung fu grip on that sumbitch, because I’m sure as shit going to slap it out of your hands and shame you in front of the entire bar. You’re not fooling anyone with that cider.

Look, I get part of the appeal of cider beers. They all have awesome fucking names: Strongbow, Angry Orchard, Woodchuck, Crispin(!), Cidré. I can only imagine how badass I’d sound when I bellied up to the bar and told the local barmaid, “One Strongbow, eight shots of whiskey, and your cheapest pack of cigarettes.” Instead, if you order a Strongbow, you might as well ask for maraschino cherries on the side with an umbrella, a straw, and a blue curaçao floater. You’re not fooling anyone with that cider.

Again, I’m not saying you’re a pussy if you order a cider. I’m just saying that if you were to walk into a liquor store and toss a sixer of Woodchuck under your arm, someone who wasn’t any wiser might think you’re on your way to a wood chopping competition. Instead, you’re probably just headed home for a nice “Two and a Half Men” Netflix marathon and a hefty Domino’s order. You’re not fooling anyone with that cider.

Anyone who drinks is a friend of mine, but quite honestly, I’m not down with anyone who drinks this crap. You can’t drink more than one. I am by no means an alcoholic, but I am a person who enjoys getting sufficiently drunk and limiting the consequences of said sufficient drunkenness. None of that involves drinking super dry, alcoholic Welch’s sparkling cider. You’re not fooling anyone with that cider.

Drinking cider does not make you a beautiful, sophisticated snowflake. It does not make you more refined. It makes you look like a damn fool. Drink one, that’s fine. Drink two, you’re pushing it. Drink a whole sixer of it and my god, I guarantee your dumbass life dream is to live on a farm somewhere in the English countryside close to a town with a pub and a Football League One team as you listen to Vitamin String Quartet while you write your shitty memoirs and live off of the government.

You’re not fooling anyone with that cider.

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