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Your Weekly Business Buzzword Bullshit

WeeklyBuzzwordBS

Another Monday, another paycheck, another countdown till Friday. Such is life, my friends. Whether you’re obsessing about that Year-To-Date sales report due on Thursday, a webinar you have to present on Wednesday, or just staying out view of the boss for as many of the next 40 hours as possible, it’s time to get through another week. Despite all that, you may unfortunately run into a few of these terms during whatever your particular weekly endeavor happens to be. Here’s to another week.

“Low Hanging Fruit”

Presumably, this term gained traction among projects with many components – and in that context it makes sense. If many different things need to be done, do the easiest ones first, right? Them days are gone, Tex. These days, it’s more likely to illustrate just how lazy your boss/project manager/department as a whole have grown to become. Something to report to the VP is better than nothing, so why not do the easy shit and report that? After all, this is Corporate ‘Merica!

“All Hands On Deck”

Having been in organizations that use this term, I can attest to the fact that I loathe hearing it. News flash, boss – this is not the Navy, or the Coast Guard, or Captain Hook’s ship. What this term has come to mean is that some “crisis” has arisen that has the boss panicking and so his or her knee jerk reaction is to pull everyone possible into the situation in hopes of finding the best and fastest solution, usually the one that makes him or her look good. The reality, you wind up with way too many people involved who have exactly nothing to contribute, making it a royal pain in the ass for those who actually know how to fix the situation.

“Being Out Of Pocket”

I heard this one the other day, and the coworker I heard say it happened to be the inspiration for my previous article about Mr. iPhone Asshole. As if it isn’t bad enough that he touts his faux importance while he’s actually IN the office, now by claiming that he’s “out of pocket” – aka answering work emails from his personal phone that doesn’t even need to be synced with his office account in the first damn place – he’s attempting to kiss ass remotely. Some people have to be “reachable” at all times, and while I pity these people, I do understand.

“Swoop and Poop”

Scottish poet Robert Burns once said “The best laid plans of mice and men oft go astray.” That sounds all elegant and profound doesn’t it? Well, in today’s workplace, that basically translates to, no matter how much you plan and how well you think you’ve prepared, you haven’t. Enter the boss, who pulls the ol’ “swoop and poop”. He “swoops” in, and asks a few questions. Usually they’re enough to get a rudimentary understanding of one or two elements of your project, but not the reasoning behind them, and promptly makes a partially informed decision to either scrap the whole thing, or force you to redo 86% of the prep-work you’ve already done, effectively shitting on your entire project. Hence, “swoop and poop.” This happens all the time, but don’t worry, that’s why God invented beer and happy hour.

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Spaceman Spiff

Now a graduate with a few years of business "experience", Spiff didn't exactly turn into the interplanetary explorer extraordinaire he had hoped to become. Instead, he spends his days as a cynical desk jockey, moonlighting as a Contributing Writer for PGP and marching ever closer to the big 3-0, which has only fueled his transition from quarter-life crisis straight into thrisis.

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