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Your Snapchats Suck

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Face it, you weren’t thinking. The thought “Will anyone actually give a shit that I’m bored waiting in the dentist’s office/walking my ugly little rat-dog/stuck in traffic?” literally NEVER manifested in that deluded abyss between your ears. It couldn’t have, because, simply put, if it had, I wouldn’t be viewing a 10 second eternity of that pucker face you make when you’re sitting bored in traffic—traffic that most of your snapchat friends would rather you were playing in. No, if it had, you would have stopped to take the snap and toyed with aforementioned “Does anyone care?” thought, then concluded something along the lines of “Naw, I’ll wait and see if something interesting happens during my commute home.” Which, by the way ladies, might be a batch of newly paralyzed children if you keep using the damn phone so much when driving.

What stereotype you ladies don’t seem to be living up to, however, is the “girls send tons of nude pics to guys on Snapchat” stereotype. Which brings us to the male users of Snapchat. Case in point: I’ve gotten dozens of nudies since my maiden download of Snapchat, only they’re nudies of the male form, mainly of various “penasia” (thanks Louis C.K.), which always leads me to wonder why the fuck I open Snapchat in public. So there’s another longwinded reason your snapchats suck: too many man parts and not enough boobies. Literally no boobies, in my case.

But back to the general suckification of Snapchat. Perhaps the problem with Snapchat is that there’s no feedback. If you were to Instagram that photo of a grainy sunset, your oh-so-awesome office view or that dinner for one that you’re way too proud of having concocted, then the single digit likes would quickly put you in your place. But Snapchat it to the first 80 people you can tap on your screen before that meal unfit for a soup kitchen starts getting cold? We’ll all open it. We’ll all open it like a bunch of assholes. And, save for that one guy deep in the friend zone replying with a stupid smile and a caption complimenting your non-existent cooking skills, you’re not getting any feedback from the rest of us.

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Feedback is important. And yet every time I respond with a “Cool story, bro!” to a guy or a “Didn’t feel like wearing make-up today?” to a chick, I’m the prick? Alright, maybe it would be reasonable to let the bad picture Snapchats slide, but I’ll be damned if I’m the ONLY one with complaints on Snapchat videos. You have to be in a quiet place for fear of it being actually relevant to you and requiring your attentive hearing, you HAVE to watch the whole thing in case the funny thing that never seems to happen happens at the end, and you sure as hell can’t watch them at work. Oh, and it’s usually at the end of Snapchat videos wherein the penis makes its appearance. (Seriously, this has to be happening to other people, too. No? Okay.)

I happen to come across this clip of what I am 99.9% sure is the overly attached girlfriend doing an actually pretty funny spoof of Snapchat to the music of “Blurred Lines.” Don’t get me wrong, it’s creepy, too, but maybe one day she’ll shed the persona of the overly attached GF meme:

Bottom line is that I love Snapchat and it has a ton of entertainment and social value, just like texting, Twitter or Instagram (go ahead and sit this one out, Facebook), but like all of those, it has its flaws. Just as there are annoying texters, awkward tweeters and health-nut Instagrammers, there are sure to be stupid Snapchatters. That’s fine. I’ll still use it, you’ll still use it. Though, of course, this sure as hell doesn’t mean I’m not going to bitch about it! So let your friends know their Snapchats suck. Maybe these couple paragraphs are what they need to hear in order to stop sending you every daily event short of defecating—well, unless of course, you’re a dude. Then that’s included, as well.

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David Hoover

David Hoover (DHoov206) is a Seattle native who frequently pretends he is Macklemore's younger brother. He talks in the 3rd person because he's arrogant, and was once voluntarily questioned by the FBI in regards to something he tweeted. Gonzaga University alumnus of '13. (Well, he might be short a class but he's convinced no one actually checks for diplomas.)

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