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Your Inner Monologue During A Run

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Alright, here we go! I got some new running shoes, I got some new running shorts, I ate a banana for breakfast, I spent an hour searching the exercise boards on Pinterest, I am getting fit! “This is the start of becoming a better me!” or whatever those motivational pictures of people’s feet on Pinterest said. Forget that I don’t have a “real job” yet, I’ve got a new hobby. I’ve got GOALS now. Exercise gives you endorphins and stuff so you feel better about yourself, right? And the more self-esteem I have, the better I’ll feel, the more people will notice me, and then – when I definitely get a job interview – they’ll notice how confident in myself I am, and I’ll FOR SURE get the job. Man, this is gonna be great.

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This isn’t even that hard! Everyone’s always saying how running is such a high calorie burner too. I could probably do this for an hour, no problem. I’m gonna look SO good. All those girls on Pinterest have the best bodies. Heidi Klum stays in shape by running like 4 miles a day, right? That’s TOTALLY doable. I am gonna look so goddamn hot at homecoming. I’m gonna look soooo great. When everyone says how good I look I can still probably pass it off as “just my metabolism.”

Rando: “Oh wow you look great, what’re you doing?”

Me: “I’m DEFINITELY not losing weight because I’m running 4 miles a day, and not drinking every day anymore, and not getting milkshakes from Cook Out afterward anymore because I’m at home with my parents and have no friends here and therefore have nothing to do – if that’s what you’re asking. I’m definitely just naturally this fit. Yeah, crazy, right? Good genes, I guess.”

Oh man, running was a GREAT idea.

Ugh. I’m getting kind of tired but I feel like I’ve run at least a mile by now, so that’s pretty good. Oh, it’s only been two minutes? Okay, I doubt my mile time is THAT good yet, but I can keep going. I’m still feeling pretty good. “You never know how far you can go unless you try,” said the hot, athletic girl in that Nike Pinterest picture.

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Damn, this kinda sucks. This is mad boring. I’m tired. It’ll get better when I’m used to it though, right? That’s what the whole “making progress” thing is all about. Maybe I WILL tell people I’m running now. I can sign up for a 5k and Instagram my racer number thingy, and people will see I’m doing something healthy and good for myself. I’ll make everyone jealous that I’m this devoted to fitness and health. I’ll get that great body first though so people will still think I’m naturally thin and just go running for fun. “I got 99 problems but I run for fun,” or whatever.

I’m really tired. Good thing I’ve probably burned like 200 calories already. 5 minutes? Ha ha ha oh, that can’t be right. At least I totally get to eat more now to offset my enormous calorie deficit, so I can grab some food when I get back and it’s no big deal, right? Gotta “carb up.” Whoo! My roommate used to say how when she did cross-country she just used to go home and eat like half a gallon of ice cream to get empty calories because she was burning so many. Awesome, awesome. So many benefits of running! Running is great.

Okay, endorphins. Where are you? Come on, really could use some of those guys right now. Aren’t they supposed to set in when you’re in pain? I’m in some pain. Can’t really breathe anymore. Ugh. Just think of that awesome body, just think of that “new you at the finish line,” says the stupid text-covered #motivational, Kelvin-filtered Instagram on Pinterest post.

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Holy shit, I want to kill myself. Running totally sucks. “It’s not supposed to be easy. Push yourself and you’ll see results.” My conscience has been replaced with fucking Pinterest posts. I hate Pinterest. Running is not fun. Everyone on those motivational pictures was totally lying. NO ONE can enjoy this, ever. This is the devil. Running is the devil. I hate fitness, I hate running, I hate bananas, I hate outside. I was told that it takes at least ten minutes for any exercise to actually start to work. It’s DEFINITELY been ten min-SIX MINUTES YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME THIS IS BULLSHIT.

Alright yeah, yeah fuck this, I’m done. I have a cramp in my side (fucking lying piece of shit banana, I thought potassium was supposed to help with cramps), my legs hurt, I can’t breathe, running was a horrible, terrible invention by people who want you to die, I’m walking back home. It’s fine, everyone who sees me walking will just think I’m cooling off from a super long run.

Running is the worst, I’ll try swimming tomorrow. Swimming’s chill, right? Maybe yoga.

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CatieBee

one time i told a potential employer in an interview that my favorite movie was jurassic park, completely out of context. i think that sums up being an adult for me.

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