Well, we’ve all had a full day to process the Oscars and get rid of our hangovers from some pretty intense drinking games. Let’s go over some of the hilarious, stupid, and hilariously stupid things you probably heard at work yesterday, and how you can respond to them now.
1. “I looooved Ellen DeGeneres as the host. That pizza bit? Hilarious.”
NO. She bought pizza for skinny people. That’s a 45 second gag, at best. There are rooms full of professional comedians and writers who either had jokes cut from the broadcast that probably would have killed or would have had fat Jenna Maroney from “30 Rock” deliver the pizza. Either way, America would win.
Also, no Tina Fey and Amy Poehler? Really, Academy Awards? Step up your shit and find some hosts who bring their A game next time.
2. “Cate Blanchett shouldn’t have won the best actress award, because that’s basically awarding a pedophile.”
First off, love him or hate him, no one has proven anything about Woody Allen. The award is for Cate Blanchett, who, by all accounts, did a fantastic job in “Blue Jasmine.” And by the way, I do want to point out the obvious: CATE BLANCHETT HAS NOT BEEN ACCUSED OF BEING ANYTHING BUT AN ACTRESS. Shut up about Woody Allen. He lost his Oscar race this year.
3. “I loved Bette Midler singing “Wind Beneath My Wings.” What a touching tribute.”
Kidding, no one would ever say that. In fact, there are so many different ways to improve the “In Memoriam” segment that I don’t know where to begin. How about you sing the song while the pictures are showing? How about we actually get to hear people clapping for those artists who passed on this year? How about we get to see a clip montage of their work instead of just their faces? I mean, really, for an Oscar ceremony so montage-oriented, this should have been a D-Wade to LeBron cross-court alley oop of a slam dunk. Instead, we got Tony Parker’s airballed free throw. I understand that some members of the Academy might not get that reference, but this may be indicative of the bigger problem here. And dammit, Philip Seymour Hoffman deserved better.
4. “My hero is me, 10 years from now? What kind of bullshit awards show gives its top prize to someone who says something like that?”
Matthew McConaughey’s acceptance speech for the best actor Oscar is a national treasure. It was self-revealing, entertaining, and he even brought out Wooderson (which, in my opinion, was a funny, touching, and an all around great move).
McConaughey deserved that Oscar. The fantastic job he did in “Dallas Buyer’s Club” caps off what has to be his best year in acting. He went from “Mud” to a scene-stealing role in “The Wolf of Wall Street” to “True Detective,” in which he plays one of the most captivating characters ever on television.
Don’t get me wrong–there were other fantastic nominees this year. I mean, Leonardo Fucking DiCaprio? HOLY SHIT. Any other year, he is a shoo-in for best actor. Same with Chiwetel Ejiofor in “12 Years A Slave,” and Christian Bale in pretty much any role he plays. I didn’t see “Nebraska,” but my parents said Bruce Dern helped make the movie great.
5. “I can’t believe John Travolta fucked up that girl’s name!”
I can. The days of Vincent Vega are long gone, you guys. One of his upcoming roles is “Gummy Bear: The Movie.” Really. He is straight up out of fucks to give.
6. “That selfie was soooo precious. And it broke Twitter!”
Ellen getting that world record is like campaigning to be declared “most popular” by your high school yearbook. Gunning for that designation diminishes whatever little honor that title brings. Ellen, we may disagree on the whole pizza bit, but I do think you’re legitimately funny. And seeing as the Oscars is probably gonna make you the next Billy Crystal, don’t feel like you have to resort to stunts. Just be your regular, quirky, funny self, make a few more dick jokes, and next year’s Oscars might be the best ever.