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Your Coworker’s Bumper Stickers: A Character Analysis

Half-Marathon Or Marathon Oval

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You will not get along with this coworker. While you’re stuffing your face with the leftover Valentine’s Day candy from the break room, this wannabe Kenyan hasn’t eaten a carb since 2011. Her body is a temple. She does sit-ups at her desk and uses a yoga ball as a chair. She may seem polite and sincere when she asks about your workout routine, but she’s just fishing for an excuse to show off her calf definition.

Stick Figure Family

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This is more than likely on the back of a minivan, and this mom is stressed out. She only talks about her kids at work. Little Sammy has T-ball, Stephanie just started swim lessons, Alex is about to get his learner’s permit, and Leslie had to drop out of high school because she got knocked up by that stoner, Jeff, who’s sleeping on the fold-out in the basement. Don’t let those fake stick figure smiles fool you–she’s on the verge of a meltdown.

Stick Figure Family Chainsaw Murderer

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We’ve got a real jokester on our hands here. He has all of Jeff Foxworthy’s “You Might Be A Redneck If…” joke books in his bathroom. This coworker was most likely at the food court cruising for single moms when he saw this gem at Spencer’s. He fancies himself the office prankster, even though the only “prank” he’s ever pulled was eating the egg salad Todd from IT brought for lunch back in August–and he still brags about it. Stick Figure Family Mom has put in three complaints with HR about him.

Jesus Fish

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In the confines of the office, this coworker is generally pleasant, although a little holier than thou when you come to work three minutes late reeking of last night’s $1 beers. But as soon as this colleague gets behind the wheel, her road rage kicks in. The complexity and combination of swear words she lets fly after Betty the receptionist doesn’t use her blinker when leaving the parking garage actually beats out “The Wolf of Wall Street” for most fucks used.

My Child Is An Honor Student

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The only thing worse is someone who has a sticker that says, “My dog is smarter than your honor student.” This coworker never lived up to his potential, and he’s trying desperately to live vicariously through his kid. Every time he pulls into the school to pick up his kid bearing the sticker, it just means another day of wedgies and abuse. Think of the children, man.

University Alumni

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This poor bastard is the new intern. His aunt bought him the sticker and gave it to him at his graduation party, and his mom made it put on his car in front of everyone. Happy to be employed so soon after graduation, his bright-eyed, bushy-tailed optimism hasn’t been crushed by the 9 to 5 grind yet. I give him a week.

Calvin Peeing On The Car’s Logo

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The office redneck. You’re not even sure how far he has to commute into the city, but his ’87 pickup is always caked in mud with a couple crushed Bud heavy cans in the truck bed. He’s always good for a cigarette or a dip, so keep on his good side and never let him know you’re thinking of leasing a Prius.

Coexist

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This probably isn’t the only bumper sticker this car has, but you can probably find it somewhere between the sticker supporting “Eat Organic” and a faded sticker of a Grateful Dead bear. This guy smells like patchouli and loves to spout his ideas on free love and “the man” holding him back, even though he didn’t grow up–and wasn’t even born–in the ’60s.

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TN Bluegrass

Grow up, Peter Pan...Count Chocula.

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