“Oh my God, all of my friends always tell me I should apply to be on The Bachelor,” is something we’ve heard time and time again from everyone in our extended friend group. “I’d be so good,” they say. And sure, we all know someone that would be great on reality television. They’re outgoing, good looking, and a hell of a good time. But what happens when The Real World stops being The Real World and things get actually, well, real?
The Real World
Before finding yourself on yet another version of The Challenge where you dedicate yourself for a grueling three weeks in order to win $25,000, you hop from spring break to spring break in exotic locations such as Panama City Beach and Fort Lauderdale. Your quasi-celebrity status not only gets you recognized at a few clubs in Chicago and Miami, but people even approach you on the street asking, “Hey, are you that racist homophobe from The Real World?” But it’s fine, because, like, you’re famous now. And then after you spend all your season’s earnings on party drugs at MTV sponsored concerts with mid-range DJs, you think, “Hmmm, maybe I’ll do steroids and go on The Challenge again.”
Keeping Up With The Kardashians
Because your show will never end, you know that you can spend all the money on God’s green earth with no worries. After all, your mom is somehow a fucking genius who pulls the wool over the general public’s eyes day in and day out. After marrying a person with legitimate talent, you are left with two choices: breakup/divorce them publicly, or have their kids and ride them straight to The White House in 2020. As you grow old, you ensure that your kids have the same opportunities (read: plastic surgeries) as you, and the cycle begins again. Who knew ruling the world could be so luxurious?
America’s Next Top Model
Welp, you didn’t make it. Back to walking runways at New York Fashion Week and doing grotesque photo shoots with noted pervert Terry Richardson after moving to LA where you’re going to try to make it as an actress. Shocker: you never make it as an actress.
Laguna Beach / The Hills
Oh, you were a guy on the show? Sorry, you’re irrelevant and will work in a surf shop forever. Unless you’re Brody, then we all know what happens.
Oh, you were a girl on the show? Congratulations, you’re going to be relevant forever because everyone fucking loves you. Not only will you have a beauty blog, make-up line, your own podcast, and magazine covers for days, you’ll also get millions of followers on every social media channel. No one is sure why you’re considered to be a tastemaker in the fashion world, but go with it because every guy born between 1986 and 1990 has a huge crush on you still.
Oh my God, you won! Now you get to go through divorce proceedings while simultaneously negotiating your stint on a spin-off that takes place on some island with a ton of white fabrics everywhere. Holding grudges with those bitches that were mean to you during the reunion special, you don’t really mind the drama because, hey, that drama keeps you relevant in that circle. But at the end of the day, you’re beautiful, you’ll never have to go back to your job as a beautician, and you’ll eventually marry someone successful enough to buy you a white Land Rover that takes your beautiful children to and from tennis practice.
You never should have lost, and you’ll be the first person to tell everyone that because you’re business-savvy and career-driven. Yeah, you’ll blame whoever fired you for being unfair, and yeah, you’ll wonder what could have been. But who cares? Now you find yourself trying to collect seed money for your new start-up that you’re positive will pan out because you’ve got a face that’s recognizable in 10 percent of U.S. homes. Maybe you’ll even get on Shark Tank!
16 & Pregnant
You have a choice to either get arrested for meth or be irrelevant forever. You need to choose the latter.
The Real Housewives Of Wherever
Sure, you’re now divorced. But somehow Bravo has allowed you to maintain your role on the show despite not being a housewife at all. Between the money you’re making and the settlement from the divorce, your dozen oyster/champagne lunches continue as if nothing happened. But you’re so medicated that you wouldn’t know if something devastating happened anyway. You grow old as a “retiree” despite not having a real career anyway before settling down in a Florida retirement community where your grandchildren visit you once a year to use the pool with their friends. .
If the sisterhood bond you have from college still means the world to you, you could be perfect for a new television series focusing on your relationship and living situation with your sisters. All you need is to have a minimum of four residents or live in a Melrose Place-style apartment complex.
Interested in your group of sorority sisters being the subject of a reality show? Send your info to firstname.lastname@example.org. All we need is your name, location, contact info (phone and email), age, a recent photo, and a short paragraph about why you and your friends are a cut above the rest.
Image via YouTube