I love Girl Scout Cookies. You love Girl Scout Cookies. America loves Girl Scout Cookies.
These delicious cookies are part of the fabric of America. If you ever mention them, people become very heated as to which is the superior cookie. Old friendships have been lost, people have come to fisticuffs and I’m sure even a few marriages and relationships have ended due to one’s loyalty to their Girl Scout Cookie of choice.
There’s a lot you can do with Girl Scout Cookies, and most involve eating them (others include some ice cubes and a nine iron but that is neither here nor there). There are even beer tasting events, and word on the street from my man Icehouse that has actually been to one, they are straight fuego.
As an impartial connoisseur of these wonderful cookies, I am here to break (short)bread and offer you the definitive hierarchy to these majestic cookies, not because I want to but because I have to. I have omitted a few because honestly, not every cookie is good enough to be ranked, especially at the commanding price and cornered market that the Girl Scout organization has over these cookies but my methodology includes their top sellers. Apparently, there are other names but I will refer to them as I know them.
8. Cranberry Citrus Crisps
I honestly didn’t even know these existed. I won’t bore you with the details but they make up only 4% of cookies sold. While I eat cranberries on Thanksgiving, if I am going to waste calories, it won’t be on some whole grain bullshit cookie. Next.
I like shortbreads. I really do. Everyone that knows me knows I like them. But so many of these other cookies (Lemonades) are just dressed up Trefoils. These are most likely purchased by the elderly that have long since lost their taste buds eating nasty 1950s food like Fruit Cakes and liver and onions. This isn’t the Great Depression anymore; we can have flavored food. Again, if I’m using calories for a cookie, I want them to be worth it.
These are dressed up Trefoils. At least the people who make Girl Scout Cookies were nice enough to throw some flavor on a Trefoil and not make you pay any more.
5. Thin Mints
I’ll be upfront about this: Thin Mints are trash. If you like this cookie, we cannot and will not be friends. If I wanted a Thin Mint, I’d go get a Peppermint Patty or one of those little green Andes candies you get in high-end restrooms. Anyone that actually likes thin mints are most likely psychopaths. THEY AREN’T EVEN COOKIES IT IS A MINT FLAVOR WAFER COVERED IN CHOCOLATE.
Another cousin of the Trefoil, the fine Girl Scout Cookie makers did us a solid and made it with fudge. Chocolate is good and these cookies remind me of the poor man’s version of E.L. Fudge Double Stuffed Cookie, except they are really skimping on the fudge. At least Thanks-A-Lot thanks me for being a fatass while I eat them with a friendly “Thank You” message on them.
I love peanut butter. Many times, I eat it straight from the jar as a meal replacement. What better than to eat your peanut butter between two oatmeal cookies? Do-Si-Dos are a no brainer at the #3 spot and coincidently, make up the third most purchased Girl Scout Cookie.
Samoas are good cookies. There’s a lot of flavor, both sweet and savory. While I do like coconut, they lost out due to the fact that coconut gets a little overbearing after a few cookies. The caramel almost makes up for this, as caramel is delicious but the people making these cookies went a little light on the chocolate for my taste.
Finally, #1. You may have scrolled down to see this, ready to write angry comments about how I am an idiot for not putting your trash-tier beloved Thin Mints at #1. I admit, it was close but Tagalongs are the superior cookie. Let me explain.
You get the same vanilla cookie as a Samoa but without the budgeted chocolate as the entire cookie is encased in chocolate. The center is straight up peanut butter. The chocolate to peanut butter ratio is perfect and you get the sweet from the chocolate, the salty savory peanut butter flavor and the vanilla cookie to tie it all together. The Tagalong brings together the best from all the other cookies and creates the best possible scenario.
If you don’t like these cookies, you are either A) allergic to peanut butter/fun/everything that is good in the world, or B) no one I want to be friends with. Peanut butter and chocolate go together like spaghetti and meatballs and should be a staple in every household in the country.
Feel free to make your case below..
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