You Really Are Just Like Harry And Lloyd

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It’s a pretty standard defense mechanism to distance ourselves from social outcasts in order to preserve our sense of competency and self-worth. I mean, after all, you do have that really expensive degree from State U and your OWN cube. Like, hello, you’ve practically made it and all those other moronic minions should bow down at your feet. JK LOL LMAO. You’re not that far from those minions. Okay, maybe that’s old news if you’ve visited this site before, but listen, we’re a lot closer to our humble beginnings than we care to admit: “I’ll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I’m talking about a little place called Aspen.”

Honestly, when it comes to morons like Harry and Lloyd, I’m a little jealous. They say ignorance is bliss and I have to say I agree. People who don’t realize they’re morons are probably the least offensive on the spectrum of idiocy. Never thought you could relate to the boys from Providence? Well, I beg to differ. They’re just like us! Just to ensure that your head doesn’t get too big for that roomy cube, here are some of the most “postgrad” moments of “Dumb and Dumber” and just how closely they relate to you:

Having no food, no job, pets with heads falling off, and simultaneously being unwilling to work 40 hours a week.

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I mean, if you’re lucky enough to have a job, then it’s likely on par with driving either people or animals. The whole no food thing is great for that diet you should be on since you can’t afford a gym membership. Pets? Ha, that cactus you bought that’s an ash obelisk in the corner of your bedroom is a constant reminder to never fucking put an animal through that.

Blowing all your money on payday/when the briefcase of money you’re traveling with cross-country to return bursts open and reveals stacks.

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“That’s as good as money, sir: $275 thouu. Might wanna hang on to that one.” Payday is simultaneously the best and worst day on the calendar and we all know it. Don’t pretend like you have self-control and save any of it, either; that’s what that .08 percent 401(k) contribution is for, duh. I also fully admit that I basically offer my own (saint of a) mother IOUs for the debt I still owe her: “Uh, Mom, emptying your dishwasher counts as work against my debt, right?”

Traveling across the country when you have no food, no job, and your pets’ heads are falling off.

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Okay, it’s fair that Lloyd was chasing true love, but it was still the dumbest move for them. Sure, they had no responsibilities, but they also HAD NO RESPONSIBILITIES. As in no job. And no money. I just hope you still never stoop so low as to sell dead animals. I salute you for selling your TI-83 on eBay for $12 and using it to buy a couple tall boys, but don’t push it. Regardless, we all spend a great majority of our time and money in a really irresponsible manner. Blowing a G on a weekend beer bonging Whale’s Tail in Montauk is not that far above driving to Aspen to chase down the love of your life on a strict diet of Big Gulps and Slim Jims. Admit it.

Not knowing how to tell time.

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Is this just me? Quarter of? Quarter to? Quarter after? This is almost unreasonable, and it needs to stop. Also, possibly being mistaken for a “raging alcoholic” because you’ve actually asked someone to meet you at a bar at 10 a.m. Don’t justify it with a football game, just embrace it.

Putting your foot in your mouth.

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Yeah, you probably don’t even talk at work when you don’t have to, because you KNOW one day you’re going to blurt out “cock” or some other dirty word in front of Patricia the receptionist. That’ll cut your bonus right in half really quick. Like I said before, though, it’s lucky Harry doesn’t even know you’re not supposed to actually refer to owls as “hooters,” given Hooters’ recent annexation and association of the term.

Overreacting when challenged.

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Everyone knows that guy who just goes too hard in the paint at the slightest challenge. When you start drinking “aggressively,” this dude literally chugs one beer while simultaneously pouring another on his head. Most likely, you’ve done it, too. Maybe you’re a rec league try-hard and you go one step beyond the limit. Don’t feel bad–Harry basically abuses poor Mary when she playfully throws a snowball at him. Some childhood demons can rear their ugly heads at any moment.

Being Blissfully (Read: Ignorantly) Optimistic

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Piss-poor performance review: I’m not fired, though!
Having zero savings: It’s okay, nothing will ever go wrong.
Gambling. All the time: The odds aren’t THAT stacked against me.
Professional development: Expecting a $25,000 raise in the next six to 12 months.
“One in a million, so you’re tellin’ me there’s a chance.”

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