I’m not going to mince words here: I am a big, gigantic fucking nerd. Shocker, right?
I told you a couple of weeks back that you should never give up your video games because they help you unwind, make you smarter and are an awesome social activity. But in reality, it’s because I’ve never grown up, and refuse to do so. If we’re being honest with each other, I’ve spent the last three weeks of Subway commuting playing the newest Pokémon game for my Nintendo 3DS. I have every Mario Kart game ever made. There’s also this game coming out tomorrow that lets you build your own Super Mario levels, and I can’t remember the last time I was this excited for a video game. Or for anything, really. Until I get banned for making 69 Mario courses shaped like dicks.
But early this morning, for the first time in my video gaming experience, I saw something that actually made me wet my pants; not only out of excitement, but also because I fear that this game may actually cause society as we know it to collapse. Introducing: “Pokémon Go.”
Roll the clip, Morris!
…Holy fucking shit, right? Do you need a minute to process that? Maybe go get a beer or tuck your head between your knees and breathe for a second. I’ll wait.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: there are FAR too many good-looking people playing Pokémon in that trailer. Or that the chick trading her Vulpix ripped off that dude for his Bulbusaur. Bad trade, dude. Unless he got her number out of it.
You might also be cringing from the fact that all those angry New Yorkers absolutely SAVAGED that Mewtwo. It’s almost unfair that there was a mob of about 100,000 people in Times Square beating the shit out of one Pokémon. Talk about a gangbang, the poor bastard.
Now that we’ve gotten past that, this game actually looks pretty incredible. Imagine walking down the street on your way to work and getting a notification on your phone (Or this extra, wearable peripheral called the Pokémon Go Plus that a Pokémon is nearby. You whip out your phone, open the app, and it turns out that a Blastoise is straight chilling next to your favorite Starbucks. Try explaining to your boss that you’re late for work because you ran out of Ultra Balls and had to go get more.
This game absolutely has the potential to be the downfall of society as we know it. It’s the Multiplayer/Online Pokémon game that people have been clamoring for since the ’90s. You can catch Pokémon all over the world…and trade Pokémon…and there’ll surely be micro-transactions. Maybe it’ll be $0.99 for extra ultra balls. $5.00 for a Master Ball. 10 Rare candies for $9.99. You can only play for limited hours a day unless you buy more time using “Poké-Crystals.” You’ll quit your job just to play this all day. Everyone will. They’ll travel the world in search of new Pokémon to catch and battle against their friends. Articuno will only be located in the North Pole. Mew will be rarer than the Hope Diamond. Friends will turn against friends. Families against families. Nations will go to war.
And the world will end as we know it.
Pokémon Go launches for Android and iOS in 2016..