Hockey fans – all thirteen of us – are our own brand of lunatic. America knew this long before David Puddy was showing up on our television screens covered in New Jersey Devils-colored body paint alongside George Costanza and Jerry Seinfeld. What else can you expect from a sport that has all of the missing teeth of NASCAR, with none of the warm weather and charm of inbreeding. For christsake, there are entire recreational hockey leagues devoted to wobble-kneed forty year olds getting as drunk off their asses as possible before essentially strapping up a pair of knives to their feet, swinging clubs, and launching rubber bullets at each other on a sheet of ice. God, I love hockey.
The game’s not all Don Cherry rainbow jackets and sunshine, in the eyes of the public, though. Puck catches a lot of flak for its fan base’s self-appointed “HOCKEY PLAYERS ARE TOUGH EVERY OTHER SPORTS IS FOR PUSSIES” hot takes, and rightfully so (cue the LeBron versus Stars-forward-Rich Peverly-asking-to-play-after-dying memes). The “hockey players are tough” cliché has been more beaten to death than an unconscious player on the receiving end of Todd Bertuzzi’s fist. It’s a mentality that gets instilled into every pucker at a young age by hockey dads trying to relive the glory days. Case in point, this early contender for Father of the Year 2015:
What we see here is the Canuck version of tying a child’s tooth to the door and ripping it out. While this may be a common practice in some households, I had always assumed it was something done strictly in cartoons, but then again, that’s because I grew up in a house made out of bricks, and not in a trailer off the side of the interstate where the main decoration in the living room/bathroom was a mounted singing bass. In lieu of the door, little Al MacInnis here ties his tooth to a puck, winds up the ol’ stick, and lets her rip. Above-average technique, but the velocity needs improvement.
Don’t let this little twerp’s “my dad is so cool” beaming smile of happiness fool you. That is a smile of FEAR AND UTTER CONFUSION. When it comes to irresponsible parenting, the dad in this video is hockey’s Shawn Kemp. For all those thinking I should lighten up and let the Bash Brothers here enjoy their bonding moment, just remember that leading another human being to remove a body part under their own fruition is exactly how Saw movies begin.
This dad’s a lunatic. His son pulling the trigger on his own inevitable orthodontic reconstructive surgery is a lunatic. The premise of using a puck rather than a dentist is something thought of by lunatics. Naturally, I can’t help but love it and think it’s genius. My children will now be doing the exact same for all of their baby teeth. What can I say? I’m a hockey diehard. I’m a lunatic, too..
[via CBS Sports]
Image via YouTube