I know I’m not the only one who has seen a girl post a picture, a status, or a tweet bragging about how little she knows about sports. “Do the thing! Win the points!” her unfunny Instagram caption states. Now, I have no idea why this is, but it makes me very, very, very angry. Then again, people who prefer bleu cheese to ranch dressing make me angry, too, if that tells you anything about how generally angry I am as a person. If you want, take this rant with a grain of salt. But if you’d like, go with me on this. There will be yelling! My favorite!
First of all, you voluntarily decided to go to this sporting event. Compare it to dragging a guy to a ballet performance, where he patronizes you and the show the whole time by saying things like, “Point that toe, yeah!” or “Do the thing, jump around!” You do not reserve the right to choose to go somewhere and then be a total bitch about it. Usually men who go to a ballet performance with their significant others just fall asleep. I’d honestly like you more if you did that at a sporting event, passing out drunk included.
I could be angry about this because I feel as if you are insulting something I hold very dear to my heart. I grew up playing sports and I watched my brother play sports. It takes a tremendous amount of discipline to be a professional athlete, although I’m not sure why NFL players have been wearing crop top jerseys during the playoffs this year. (Your chocolate abs are lovely, but you must be cold, right?) Sports are one of my favorite pastimes, and they are actually a pretty fucking big part of American history. So now, not only do you not know shit about sports, but you’ve proven to me that you are not worthy of being an American.
I could also be angry about this because I’m really sick of girls who post shit that makes them look dumb on purpose. If you go to any online magazine’s homepage, nine times out of ten, there is some sort of sports news on the front fucking page. You literally just have to read the headline to know what’s going on. Have you not figured out that being a dumb bitch isn’t cute? Did Legally Blonde teach you nothing? Be better than Warner Huntington III! You can still eat chocolates in bed and watch soap operas if you get your heart broken! I know that as a girl, you do not post shit to please men, because you absolutely shouldn’t, but that’s not what this is about. This is about you looking like a fool on social media. That being said, I understand that some of the time, the girls who post this shit are being ironic. I don’t know how I feel about that. I love irony, but this type of irony seems cheap AF, yo.
I could be so incredibly off with the way men feel about posts like these. I’m not a dude so I don’t know, but what I do know is that when a girl can chat about sports even a little bit, it relaxes guys. They don’t feel like they have to impress you with their knowledge of Syria. But, on the other hand, maybe dudes like it when you don’t know or give a fuck about sports. It’s some type of “this is mine, let me have this” complex, I guess. I dated a guy once who didn’t care about sports at all and it honestly baffled me. We still had sex — while I watched a Blues game. He was on top. It was a very real moment for me, because I realized that I’m a little more “dude” than some dudes. I also happen to know that men like to teach you things, because it makes them feel good. If they can teach you about the sport(s) they enjoy so much, they honestly might like you a little bit more.
For those of you who went to state schools with big sports programs, how do you not know the game? It takes more effort not to know about it than it would to learn a little. Do you not believe in tailgating and therefore reject all things magical about the world? You must have noticed that everyone got really excited about something at one point, and they all started chugging their drinks. Or that everyone got really upset about something at one point, and they started chugging the same amount. If you didn’t know why, you probably should have asked why. It’s your school, babe! Pride!
However, there is another subset of the girls-sports dichotomy that might be worse than the girls I’ve previously mentioned: the girls who pretend to know about sports. Sometimes people think I’m pretending to know what I’m talking about, and they can all fuck off. No, I absolutely don’t know the statistics that you know, nor do I have the amount of energy to try and remember all of those numbers. However, I absolutely do have the energy to keep the top five restaurants that serve the best macaroni and cheese in Manhattan ready for any and all conversations. Priorities. Men, you are bred for sports knowledge. For some women, it’s just a hobby. I do have enough knowledge to have made it to the championship in my fantasy football league this past year, which royally pissed off every guy I know. Hooray! I didn’t get laid after that. Is that called bragging? I don’t know. Also in said fantasy league, there was a girl who claimed she knew everything about the NFL. She ended up drafting Manziel, the Seahawks D/ST, and the 49ers D/ST, in that order.
As a chick, I don’t expect other girls to like sports. I get it. We have enough to deal with: nails, hair, makeup, fashion, kale, eyebrows, the “Are sneaker wedges still in?” thing, the “Is butter a carb?” thing. The list never ends. You don’t have to post jack shit about sports. In fact, it would be lovely if you didn’t. If you don’t like sports, just keep it to yourself. Stop degrading it. I get that you’re kidding. Fuck, I said at the beginning of this column that I have no idea why it pisses me off so much. It’s a joke, dammit! I need a drink..
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