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7 Reasons Why You Can’t Sleep

1. You took a nap.

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You knew it would end this way. You thought if you kept it under an hour it wouldn’t completely bufu (buttfuck, in layman’s terms) your sleep cycle. Well, you were wrong. I don’t care what Men’s Health said in the June 2011 (and probably August, and October of that year, as well) issue. You won’t feel refreshed. You won’t have more energy. Oh, and your “nap” will probably end up being you watching Season 2 of Breaking Bad on Netflix. That, or a nice midday jack sesh. Naps are highly overrated.

2. You hate your gig.

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I mean really hate it. You’re not just frustrated with the $35k plus dental base. It’s not just the high deductible plan you’re stuck with. I’m talking about hating everything from your boss’s rosacea to the sensor on the toilet that routinely leaves your taint soaked. Look, it’s gonna keep you up at night. Here are two classic examples:

1. The “I hate the fact that I have to wake up in six hours just to get shit on by my account manager.”
2. I fell asleep fine, but I woke up in a cold sweat thinking, “Is my expense report due tomorrow?”

3. You might have done something horrendous over the weekend.

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Commonly referred to as “the fear,” “phantom anxiety” or “the blues,” this variation usually comes about after a big weekend. Not the kind where you did dinner and drinks on Friday AND Saturday. I’m talking about the “Is there a 24-hour clinic open on Sunday because I should get tested” kind of weekend, or the “I think I may have called my best friend’s fiancée a twat” weekend. Your friends swear that you didn’t, but that seed of doubt has already been planted. Now you get to lie awake until 1:30am wondering why nobody invited you to brunch on Sunday. You know they went. They ‘grammed it.

4. Sleep paralysis and/or ghosts.

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Ever been awake, yet completely unable to move? It’s called sleep paralysis, and it’s pretty much the worst. Per Wikipedia, sleep paralysis is:

A phenomenon in which people, either when falling asleep or wakening, temporarily experience an inability to move. More formally, it is a transition state between wakefulness and rest characterized by complete muscle atonia (muscle weakness).

Yeah, but what about the demon that routinely visits me?

Hypnagogic and hypnopompic hallucinations are symptoms commonly experienced during episodes of sleep paralysis. Some scientists have proposed this condition as an explanation for reports of alien abductions and ghostly encounters.

The fuck? Am I so worthless that my body is now blurring the line between sleep and consciousness?  Can a generic two-bedroom apartment built in 2003 be haunted? Is my childhood bedroom harboring evil spirits that are pissed off that I’m still living here? You’ll begin to question everything, but keep quiet at work.  You don’t want to be the creepy guy who’s visited by demons and stuff.

5. That late-afternoon cup of coffee.

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It seemed harmless at the time, but you’re paying for it now. You had just over one hour to kill, but there was no way you could run out the clock without a little pick-me-up. The sad part is, that last cup of coffee did nothing but assist in evacuating your bowels.

6. You were tired allllll day.

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It’s common knowledge that if you’re tired all day at work, you will not be able to fall asleep, especially if you tell someone at work how tired you are. Sure, you’ll get home and think, “I could crash right now,” but you won’t. You’ll catch a second wind. It never fails. You are the one who fails…fails to fall asleep.

7. You did a bunch of coke with a recently divorced, and very depressed, VP.

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What were you gonna do, say no?

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Dave

Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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