Lester Averman: “Just so you know, we really suck.”
Coach Bombay: “Hey, I’ll decide who sucks around here.”
The first Mighty Ducks film was released in 1992. You know, when great sports movies were still being made. Moving forward 20 years to the NFL draft of 2012, Seattle received a draft score of an “F,” the only team to receive this lowest possible grade that year, from Bleacher Report. Right off the bat, sure, Wood sounds like a huge stiff. No pun intended. But, citing the Pete Carroll-led Seahawks’ draft picks of Russell Wilson and Bruce Irvin, Wood explained, “the Seattle Seahawks didn’t draft any positions of need or draft for the future,” and that, “Pete Carroll is proving why he didn’t make it in the NFL the first time.” Well, Donny boy, being that you’re probably already pretty full, on account of so many people making you eat those words, I’ll let the two aforementioned players’ stats speak for themselves.
Donald Wood: “Just so you know, those guys really suck.”
Coach Carroll: “Hey, I’ll decide who sucks around here.”
Now, being that Pete Carroll was one half of that imaginary dialogue, I cannot imagine that exchange going quite that politely, but you see my point.
What I’m trying to say is that the Seattle Seahawks are District Five, reincarnate. From doubted coaches to questionable roster decisions, loud-mouthed instigators to classy leaders, borderline insane beasts to star players that can’t stay off the goddamned injured reserve list, the Hawks embody that underdog, chip-on-your-shoulder spirit moreso than you probably would have originally thought before reading this.
Pete Carroll Is Gordon Bombay
Many media outlets took a low blow at Carroll two years ago, mentioning Carroll’s lack of success in the NFL the first go around. Similarly, Coach Gordon Bombay of The Mighty Ducks was repeatedly bashed for his failed run as a hockey player. (Those who can’t do, teach, am I right?) But hey, you can’t really trash a guy whose character has a run in with the law after a DUI charge, all the while having a name that’s comprised of two brands of gin.
After accepting the task of coaching a peewee hockey team to mark off community service hours, Coach Bombay is not what your grandma would call a “standup guy” at this point. Bringing things back over to reality, and I don’t want to badmouth Pete, who has done nothing but incredible things for Seattle’s program as coach, but let’s just say that he also didn’t exactly pass the great-guy exam when he starting coaching the Hawks. He sort of came to Pacific Northwest after hightailing it out of USC amidst a hellfire of impending sanctions. But who the hell cares? They both built up a championship team basically from scratch. They’ve got my respect.
Richard Sherman Is Russ Tyler
Starting off with the NFL media favorite for basically the entirety of last week, Richard Sherman stacks up nicely with the Mighty Ducks’ Russ Tyler. Tyler, played by a then-only-mildly-overweight Kenan Thompson, is known for his trash talking antics. In fact, it’s what led him to getting on the team in the first place shortly after this scene:
Tyler: Yeah, high-five some more. Man, my little brother could score on these guys.
Jesse: Man, why don’t you go and bother him, then?
Tyler: Haha! I ain’t even got a little brother!
Don’t even try and tell me that that’s not along the lines of something you’d catch Richard Sherman saying when mic’d up. Later on, after clearly getting under someone’s skin, Tyler exits with a graceful:
“Haha! Bye-bye! Have a nice day!”
Basically what Sherman said to Tom Brady after his loss in Seattle last season.
Oh and not to mention, they’re both from South Central LA. Comptonites have a natural way with words.
Russell Wilson Is Charlie Conway
A team player, a tad undersized, incredibly loyal and a respected leader, Charlie Conway and Russell Wilson could very well be brothers from another mother, because Charlie can’t even remember who his dad is. The chemistry between Charlie and his teammates and coach is both unique and the Mighty Ducks’ key to success. Wilson has the same relationship with his fellow Seahawks and coach Pete Carroll; they’re always on the same page, like retired football players trying to read.
Percy Harvin Is Adam “Cake Eater” Banks
Adam Banks pulls a tough card in the Mighty Ducks trilogy: first, he’s too good and thus does not fit in well with the rest of the squad. Second, his family is more well off than the other kids’ families, earning him the nickname “Cake Eater.” Which, in my opinion, is kind of badass. It also has nothing to do with this comparison to Percy Harvin, so I don’t know why I’m still talking about it. Third, Banks gets perpetually targeted for injury because of his skills and, because he’s kind of a softie, it’s also pretty easy to injure the poor bastard. Likewise, Percy Harvin has played, what, three games for Seattle so far? With one lone reception in the regular season? He recovered from an injury and went out to make three receptions against the Saints (one of them clutch as hell) only to have the Saints undoubtedly target and put him right back on that bench. As far as I know, the Hawks haven’t started calling him “Pussy” Harvin or any other demeaning-turned-affectionate nickname, but you can’t argue the similar quality of sadly underutilized star talent both players share.
Marshawn Lynch Is BOTH Fulton Reed and Dean Portman
Sure, I should have saved either Reed or Portman to compare to a defensive “Legion of Boom” member such as Kam Chancellor or Earl Thomas, but that would require another paragraph. Plus, it’s more amusing to me having Marshawn Lynch being represented by not one, but two hard-hitting players, especially since Lynch would no doubt eat both these young adults alive like a pack of Skittles. The best part is neither Reed nor Portman is really known for scoring, they’re simply more the “knock the shit out of opposing players” type. Lynch does exactly the same thing, he just usually happens to be carrying the ball when he does so.
Most likely, you’re not going to think “Seahawks” and then logically jump to “underdogs” in the same manner you might for The Mighty Ducks, especially not after these past two amazing regular seasons. But what non-Seattleites don’t understand is that these past two NFL seasons have been, as pathetic as this sounds, probably two of our top five greatest seasons across ALL professional sports in our city. Seattle’s last and only championship was attained by the Sonics in ’79—and it’s technically not even Seattle’s championship title anymore! The Mariners are so consistently terrible that the news of their owner, and Nintendo president, Hiroshi Yamauchi, passing away was met with joy! Oh but sure, Seattle has an alright MLS team. But real sports fans in the city know better than to rally behind a team whose primary market audience is soccer moms past their prime MILF years and hipsters. Fact of the matter is, just like The Mighty Ducks, the Hawks are underdogs, if not only because of the saddened sports city they represent, then because at the start of the 2012 season there was absolutely nothing to be read in the cards between a “rally ‘em up” former college coach, a 5’11” quarterback with not much to show other than hard work ethic, and way too many free agents turned starters. But like Coach Gordon Bombay did with his pee wee hockey team, Coach Pete Carroll did with his modest Seahawks.
So “Quack Quack,” and this Sunday…“Caw, Caw!”