We’re about to take a trip down memory lane to when your elementary class did a great job with some fundraiser or your team made it to the semi-regional whatever. Your teacher, coach, or adviser promised you a pizza party if you did well. Your brain could barely function due to the excitement of the best fucking event in the history of ever, and you would go from zero to half-chub in a solid 15 seconds. Your pulse would race and your ADHD was at an all time high just thinking about getting free pizza for your mediocre work. Nothing was ever better than that.
Not much has changed in the last 20 years. Hearing your boss even mutter the words “pizza party” is enough to make your poor, quarterlife crisis glands salivate beyond belief without so much as a blink. Pizza parties are a staple to the office. Much like oxygen or free coffee, nothing keeps a staff’s spirits high quite like the opportunity to binge eat until the point of vomiting at a company-sponsored pizza party. It’s the one joy and liberty that we save for our corporate lives that nobody will ever be able to take away from us.
To this day, pizza parties–sometimes known as mildly depressing pizza free-for-alls–represent your emotional attachment to the best event in the history of your life. It’s a chance to not work, eat well beyond your daily allowance of pizza, and reap the rewards of doing an average job on something. Someone is proud of you just enough to allow you to run rampant and shove your greedy face full of pizza and chug root beer. This is a gift very rare to the adult community. It says you did a pretty okay job, and upper management wants you to believe you are doing probably okay enough.
The best part of being on the receiving end of a pizza party is knowing you will always feel excited, hungry, and hysterically passionate about a pizza party–the same way you felt when you were in elementary school. It gives you an excuse to slack off, socialize with that sort of hot intern, and get away with pushing HR’s buttons all while you shove your face full of free pizza. Your life has hit an all-time low, but it’s so pathetically delicious that you could never complain. So enjoy those average perks, because in a few years, they will be all you have left to look forward to. Well, that and breadsticks.