I expended most of my effort today at work trying to think of one place on Earth that the office coffee corner is more appealing than. I could not think of one. Not the Penn Station men’s bathroom, not alone in the streets of Baltimore at night, and not even locked up in a room and forced to hang out with Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith.
On average, I visit the coffee corner about 10 times a day. Three times to get coffee, two times to fill up my water bottle, once to get my lunch, and four times to experience what Hell would be like, just so I’m reminded that I need to start acting like a better person.
Why do I hate the office coffee corner so much?
1. The Small Talk
Listen, the question of “How are you doing?” is a space filler. NO ONE CARES. 99% of us answer “good” even if we sharted on the way to work…twice. The other 1% who tell you how they are really doing are just losers. I also do not care about your weekend being “short.” It’s only 2 out of the 7 days of a week. Thanks for the observation, you schmuck.
2. The Coffee
The office coffee tastes like lukewarm instant death.
3. The Layout
They obviously leave the design of the coffee corner to the kids at the Polytechnic School of Stupidity. With two minutes of thought, anyone can redesign their coffee corner so that it works. It is impossible to make a coffee without having to move to every other inch of counter space because someone has to open the fridge, or wash their hands, or put the half-eaten bag of stale Oreos in there for the vultures.
4. The Vultures
These are the people who will eat anything that is put on the counter with the word “Free” on it. This is just shit that someone didn’t want in their home. It doesn’t matter to the vultures, though. As long as the word “Free” is attached to it, they are munching away.
5. The Coupons
No thanks. There is really no need for you to drop off the $0.25 coupon for diabetic dog food on the counter. Not even the vultures jump on those.
6. The Small Talk
Did we already cover this?
7. The Lunch Wrecker
When I put my sandwich in the back corner of the refrigerator, it means that I have claimed that territory. Do not put your 10-pound salad bowl on top of it because you can’t find any space. You don’t see some fat dude sitting on a skinny girl on a subway because there’s no room, do you?
8. The Heating Up Of Leftovers
There should be rules against heating up curry and fish in the microwave. A Preakness port-o-potty at 2:30 in the afternoon heat during the summer is more bearable.
9. The Slobs
The people who spill milk and water all over the rounded counter and don’t have the decency to wipe it up. Then, immediately after you reach up to get the straw to stir your coffee, you realize you have a wet line going across an area from your crotch area to your chest, depending how tall you are. What the fuck, slobs?
10. The Guy Who Thinks He Knows Sports, But Doesn’t
If you don’t know sports and there is a conversation in the coffee corner going on about last night’s game, don’t jump in. No one wants to hear you repeat what Jon Gruden or Chris Collinsworth(less) had to say during the game.
11. The Small Talk
I don’t know if I mentioned that yet or not.