Wintry mix, the technical term for weather more commonly known as “slush” or “Dammit, I gotta walk to work through this shit,” has plagued my neighborhood recently. This meteorological phenomenon is the precipitation combination of rain, snow, sleet, freezing rain, and eternal sadness.
Let thou who have never lain naked in a puddle in Brooklyn cast the first stone.
My walk to work takes seven minutes (not including the time spent riding the elevator in my apartment building), and I would like to gripe about all seven of those miserable minutes from this morning. Let’s disregard the fact that ice pellets bounced off my head during the entire commute, because that was the least of my problems. The main issue was dealing with the bullshit that was already on the sidewalk.
I invite you to take a walk in my
shoes dysfunctional snow boots as I guide you through the journey to my office. Along the sidewalk in the slushy weather, you will encounter three main booby traps: ice, snow, and puddles.
“Whatever dude, I’ll just walk along the parts of the sidewalk where people have shoveled.” THINK AGAIN, DICKFACE. Shoveling may work for the typical snowstorm scenario, but not for a wintry mix. It doesn’t matter how often you shovel away the slush–when the watery substances below the snowbanks seep out like Mother Nature’s diarrhea back onto your freshly cleared sidewalk, they freeze over again. You are bound to slip and fall in the most dramatic and humiliating ways possible. Be sure to enjoy watching other people hilariously tumble to the ground, but be prepared to give up on life when it happens to you.
While attempting to avoid the ice, the snow may seem like the safest of the three traps because after all, it’s easy to see, and it’s a “dry” precipitation on the ground. WRONG! You might as well be walking on landmines. You never know what bizarre shoveling tactics the locals use. You’ll start out with several not-so-terrible strides over firmly packed snow until suddenly with one step you sink into the slushy abyss hundreds of millimeters below, ruining your brand new slacks that you so stupidly wore on this debauchery of a day.
After your slowly, agonizingly trudge through the ice and snow along the sidewalk, you arrive upon the most dangerous part of the commute: the curbside. This is where you find the slush puddles, like the one naked Barbie decided to go for a swim in. Side note: I feel bad for whatever poor child lost her Barbie Doll, but then again, some weirdo in Brooklyn could have left it there intentionally because “art, duh.” Anyway, there is no avoiding these puddles. On days like today, these puddles are ubiquitous along curbsides. All depth perception comes to a screeching halt when judging these puddles, and you have no choice but to guess weather your step will submerge only the soles of your shoes or your ENTIRE BODY (okay, so like four inches). However deep the puddles are, you better hope your shoes are waterproof because “water resistant” is a massive crock of shit as I found out today.
In conclusion, you will ruin every article of clothing below your knees–along with your dignity, so your only good option on days with wintry mix weather is to call in sick. I’m just thankful that during today’s commute–I successfully managed to use the guy walking next to me as a human shield from the slush sprayed in my direction from a passing car. That’s why you shouldn’t drive in this shit either.