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Why Nebraska Really Is “The Good Life”

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Before I start, let me clarify something. I am by no means a Nebraskan. I didn’t grow up on a farm, I never ate corn three times a day, and I didn’t marry my second cousin on my mom’s side. If you had asked me a few years ago where Omaha was, I probably would’ve said Oklahoma, because that sounds like the kind of state a city named Omaha would be in. However, life and its unpredictable twists and turns took me to Nebraska, the home of Arbor Day, and I honestly can’t say I hate it. Hell, I may even say I enjoy it out here.

Lincoln, The Cornhuskers, And Memorial Stadium

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Arguably one of the most hardcore college sports fan bases in the United States, the Huskers’ Sea of Red is the pride and joy of Nebraska. Memorial Stadium not only seats 92,000 fans these days, but it has sold out every damn game since November 1962. That’s an NCAA record, my friends. The tailgates are elaborate, the fans are the good kind of rowdy, and the foam corn hats are the absolute best headwear paraphernalia I have ever had the pleasure of wearing.

Booze

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Lincoln and Omaha took no. 18 and no. 23 respectively on Business Insider’s “Most Hungover Cities in America of 2014.” If there’s anything Nebraska does not lack, it’s alcohol. Huskers won? Have a celebratory drink or four in the Haymarket. Huskers lost? Get back to the Old Market to drink away your sorrows. Not football season? Just pick up some vodka by the case at Costco and call it a day. Underage? The gas stations won’t card you for the airplane bottles on the counter next to the gum and Chapstick.

We Had Taco Bell Breakfast First

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That’s right, chumps. Taco Bell chose Omaha to debut its breakfast menu back in August. Maybe it’s the perfect blend of working class citizens and a clear drinking problem, as I noted above. Maybe it’s the booming restaurant economy. Whatever the reason (and who even cares, really) Taco Bell entrusted a huge business decision to the humble hands of Nebraskans. What a freaking honor.

Council Bluffs Casinos Are Right Next Door

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Because who doesn’t want to play slots with a few grandmothers tethered to oxygen tanks?

Fish Fries

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During the Lenten weeks, Catholic churches across Nebraska draw in thousands of fish fryers whose sole goals are to go get hammered and eat mediocre food. The lines to enter these churches average two and a half hours or so, but that doesn’t matter because the parking lot is one giant tailgate. Every Friday, the parking lot of a church–which probably has an elementary school in it–turns into a rowdy, alcohol-infused tailgate. Pregames before a night at the bars turn into $5 pitchers of piss beer sold in the basement of churches. It is God’s way of giving us a glimpse of what heaven looks like, I assume.

Nebraska Is The Home Of The Hottest ’90s Babe

As a product of the ’90s, you either wanted to marry this woman or be her best friend. That’s right, Rebecca Donaldson from “Full House” hails from Valentine, Neb. Case closed.

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Topanga

Topanga is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems. Lover of red wine, mediocre gossip, and Corey's whipped ass.

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