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Why I’ve Decided To Only Date Women Who Are Over 30

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I’m done with girls my age. You heard it here first, folks. I alluded to the idea not long ago when I was ruminating on what it’s like being 25, and it’s been percolating in my brain ever since. But I’ve finally made up my mind. I will no longer be pursuing any woman under the age of 30 for the foreseeable future. Sure, if a girl my age really wants to make a play, I’m not gonna shoo her away, but as far as my efforts are concerned, I’m totally focusing them on older women. Don’t worry, I’m about to tell you why.

Disclaimer: For the purposes of simplicity, I will be referring to all women over 30 as “older women.” If you are a woman over thirty, this means two things. First, I’m only implying that you’re older than me, not that you are old. Secondly, you should give me a call sometime (or tweet me, since it’d be weird if you had my number). Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs.

1. Relative maturity.

I say relative for a reason. There’s a certain kind of maturity that involves remaining immature at heart. My point is that there are people who have ambition, intelligence, and nuanced opinions on things who still allow themselves to be loose and silly, and get drunk every now and then. Then there are people who are just immature and stupid. The former doesn’t have an age attached to it. The latter tends to be a symptom of your 20s. You’ve barely been on your own for very long, so your instincts tend to skew toward the selfish and irresponsible. I make an effort to not be that person. So yeah, I want someone who has their shit together. However, along with that I want someone who’s not afraid to be an idiot when they feel like it. A mutual love for booze wouldn’t hurt, either.

2. They know what they want.

This might be unfair. Most people spend their entire lives trying to figure out what they want. So maybe it would be more accurate to say that older women know a lot better what they don’t want. They’ve dated their share of guys, so they know for sure what didn’t work in those relationships. I don’t have to worry about me having some sort of annoying personality trait that I’m not aware of that will eventually pile up and cause resentment with an older woman, because she’ll let me know about it pretty damn fast.

3. Financial security.

I’m not saying that I’m looking for a sugar mama, but I’m not saying that I’m opposed to the idea, either. I’ve never had any ego hang ups about a woman who makes more money than me, and I highly doubt I ever will. Regardless, the idea of dating someone who’s own financial situation is at least moderately in order is quite appealing, even if mine isn’t. Two people together who are both one ill advised bar tab away from insolvency aren’t exactly a power couple. At least in this scenario, there will always be someone in the relationship with the means to carry it for a while, however brief that while might be. It’s a solid baseline. If I end up shifting into the cooking/cleaning/writing at home partner while she goes to the office and eats the competition for lunch, so be it. I ain’t scared to housewife it up a little bit.

4. Sexual experience.

This is basically a given. Sure, there are plenty of chicks in their 20s who’ve gotten it in more times than women a decade their senior, but on the whole, the numbers favor the 30+ range. I’ve never given a shit about “the number.” I’ll ask out of curiosity, but it doesn’t really have any bearing on my opinion outside of that. So therefore, someone who’s been around the sexual proverbial block is statistically more likely to be better at it. Obviously there are people who suck in bed at all ages, but if I’m taking my chances on that, I’d rather go with the broad who’s put in her 10,000 hours. That’s what Malcolm Gladwell was talking about, right?

5. They seem to like me better anyway.

Maybe I’m just the older lady whisperer, but for whatever reason, they just like being around me more than my female contemporaries. Previous to this point, I usually never really took that past some shameless flirting, because I just assumed I needed to focus on the girls my age. Well, not anymore. Ladies between 30-45, listen up. I’m coming after you, so get excited. I’m too young for you, I drink too much, I don’t have a solid career yet, and I’m not even close to being ready for marriage or kids. If that sounds like something you’re into, get at me. You know where to find me.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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