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Whole Foods Is Expanding Operations To Meet Demands Of Crazed White Girls Everywhere

Whole Foods Is Expanding Operations To Meet Demands Of Crazed White Girls Everywhere

I fucking love Whole Foods. Yes, I’m a recent postgrad. Yes, I’m a female. Yes, I have a modest income. You know, all that sociopsychologicalpoliticaleconomic crap. But at the end of the day, it’s me who finds comfort in kale, solace in soymilk, and happiness in hemp seeds. Just hearing the words “coconut aminos” gets me hot and heavy — and I have zero problem admitting it. Finally, Whole Foods declared its love for me back by announcing their plans to open a new chain of stores that cater to millennials with lower prices.

According to Forbes, the Austin-based wannabe healthy freak haven said it’s building a team to focus exclusively on the new concept and that it’s already negotiating leases. Stores are expected to start opening next year, followed by a “fairly rapid expansion.” Walter Robb, co-CEO of Whole Foods, said the stores will appeal to younger customers with a “modern, streamlined design, innovative technology, and a curated selection.”

There isn’t any word yet on when these new stores will start popping up around the country, but the process is moving quickly. Food marketers are consistently stumped by millennials discerning demands, which can be scientifically summed up as, “something just weird enough to make me seem interesting.” The other co-CEO, John Mackey, added, “We think a streamlined, hip, cool, technology-oriented store — a store unlike one anyone’s ever seen before… you can’t envision it yet because no one ever has. We’re creating it.”

If that doesn’t make you horny, there’s something wrong with you.

[via Forbes]

Image via Shutterstock

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