These Adventurous, World Traveling, Attractive 20-Something Assholes Can Fuck Right Off

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Are you aware there are groups of offensively attractive 20-somethings jet-setting from the Patagonia Mountains to Bora Bora to Banff to the Amalfi Coast to skydive and snorkel with exotic sea creatures and heli-ski and fly fish and fuck each other? Did you know these assholes do all this incredible shit with GoPros strapped to every appendage to record it all in stunning 4k quality video set to sensual sex spa instrumentals to shove in our pathetic fucking faces? Just packing 10 lifetimes of adventurous, costly world traveling into one summer and picking up tens of millions of YouTube views doing it.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, watch this fucking video. If you’re already aware of this trend, still watch this fucking video.

Who are these assholes?

The comments under the videos are sickening, too. “So inspiring!” “Wow, stunning. What an amazing summer.” “Absolutely gorgeous. Let’s hope my summer is this great.” “So epic!” “This is how you live life to the fullest!”

Oh just fuck right off. This isn’t real life.

“Hey, man. What’d you get into this summer?”

“Blah. Interned at a law firm and moved into a new apartment. Some buddies and I rented a house on the coast a few weeks back, though. The weather sucked but it was a decent time. Not long enough though lol. What about you?”

“Well I met a group of models down in the British Virgin Islands back in May. We bounced around from island to island on a 48-foot catamaran, eating fresh lobster and paddle-boarding at sunrise each day. The snorkeling there is insane! Then we hit the Swiss Alps for a few weeks. We stayed in this 10k-a-night villa overlooking the mountains and I learned how to fly a wing suit, so that was pretty chill. Incredibly dangerous but I got pretty good at it. Not as good as I got at snowboarding, though. Have you ever shredded fresh powder in the Swiss Alps first thing in the morning? Dude you have to.

After that, things kind of wound down a bit. We yachted along the Italian coastline for a while, jet skied across the Mediterranean to take in the different cultures, and we sky dove over Sicily and tasted wine from 15 different vineyards in southern France. Oh, and there’s this private island in the Caribbean we chilled at for a little bit. We stayed in this quaint little 7,000 square-foot beachside bungalow with multiple levels and decks and pools and hot tubs that we hung out and fucked each other in. Have you ever tongue kissed a perfect 10 under water surrounded by black tip sharks?! Wow, what a rush.”

“Wait, what?”

Here’s another one:

And afuckingnother:

I have so many questions that I’m not even sure I want the answers to.

1. Who are these dickbags?
2. Who funds this shit?
3. Do they have real fucking jobs?
4. Are they paid to do this?
5. How’d they find each other?
6. Is there an application process?
7. What do their parents think of this?
8. How do I get into this?
9. Do they wear sunscreen?
10. Why haven’t I ever seen anyone in real life who looks as good in a bathing suit as that blonde leaning over the railing?
11. If I join a group like this, do I have to lose contact with all my ugly friends?

I fundamentally don’t understand what’s going on here. Like this shit wasn’t filmed over a weekend. This is a lifestyle — numerous destinations, yachts, islands, Lamborghinis. I don’t think I can even ballpark the cost of a summer like this. And yeah I get that some sexy music and fancy editing can take a video to the next level, and those slow-motion laughing montages are over-the-top cheesedicky, but these aren’t green screens we’re looking at. Those dickheads are actually jumping out of helicopters and swimming with sharks.

Oh and P.S. They have the cutest fucking puppy in the world, too.

Images via YouTube

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