On the surface, the question, “Which Country Has The Biggest Penis?” is a very, very loaded question, but a simple one. Naturally, the answer is America, because we swing it around like it’s nobody’s business and clearly have the biggest cojones of any nation on Earth. Teddy Roosevelt himself said, “Speak softly and carry a Big Stick” which, roughly translated, means, “We don’t have to say shit because we’re packing some serious heat in our pants. Don’t make me whip out the Freedom Frank.”
Unfortunately, if you ask the question “Which Country has the largest average penis size?”, you’re gonna get a different answer, because while Americans might have the biggest balls on the planet, we’re a bit edged out in when it comes to inchery.
According to this handy-dandy chart, Americans finish solidly in the upper-middle of the pack, clocking in with a mighty 5-incher. We fall just behind Australia, the former Penal colony, and half an inch behind the global average of 5.5″.
The biggest dicks in the world can be found in the Congo, which comes in at a whopping 7.1″ for your average braciole, whereas the smallest trouser snakes can be found in the Koreas, both North and South. No wonder Kim Jong Il was so pissed off all the time.
This chart has a much wider array of countries for average Peener size.
For example, Germany may have us beat with an average Wienerschnitzel size of 5.7″, but we have them beat in two world wars, so suck on that. And anyone who believes the stereotype that my Hebrew people aren’t well-endowed, you better check yourself before you wreck yourself, because Israel’s apparently rocking a mighty 5.7″ Schlong.
This study is apparently not all that scientific, according to a number of critics — probably those from countries who were outed by this study for being small. However, this definitely doesn’t measure girth, and we all know that girth is the most important thing. Right, ladies?
Also, are we measuring from our balls here? We have to figure out a universal system of measuring our baloney ponies. Also, what about foreskin? That’s a factor. Would a nation that believes in circumcision come behind countries that proudly keep their yams uncut?
Finally, I would like to point out Newton’s Third Law of Banging: “It is not the size of the vessel on which you sail the sea, but the motion of the ocean with which it carries you, with utmost swiftness, to shore.”
So there you go. It’s science.
[via Instinct Magazine]