Columns

When Your Dog Is Your Roommate

Screen Shot 2014-04-21 at 11.08.43 AM

It’s true that I’ve preached on here before about not having a roommate and how it’s the greatest thing you could ever do for yourself. But, as I lay around this past weekend with my pooch–my dog, not my sort of beer belly–it hit me like a 12 pound bag of dog food: Cece is my roommate. Technically, I do live with another being, and she just happens to be the best kind of roommate there is.

When your dog is your roommate…

You always have something to come home to, and your dog doesn’t have the ability to pester you about your appearance, mood, day, and so on. Your dog is just there, either waiting in the crate or on the couch, happy to see you and ready to make out with your face. Hard. Instead of being greeted by a moody bitch or a pile of worthless junk mail that reiterates how unimportant you are outside of social media, your dog is always there, ready to receive you.

No matter if you’ve been gone for an entire day or for five minutes, your dog always acts like you two have been doing long distance and it’s the first time you’ve seen each other in six months. Your dog has spent hours doing whatever the dog equivalent is to shaving, tweezing, waxing, and bleaching every orifice of its body to prepare for your arrival. Never have you experienced such unconditional excitement. There is never any awkward tension between you and your dog, not even if your dog had explosive diarrhea on the carpet the night before, or you forgot to leave out breakfast that very morning. When you walk in the door, all is forgotten.

There is no shared bathroom time. It’s all yours. Sure, your dog might get overly excited when you sit on the toilet, begging to sit on your lap while you do your thing, but that’s about as far as bathroom sharing goes. Your dog will watch you shower from a distance and gladly help you towel off via licking your legs dry, but it isn’t about to hog the hot water and slow down your primping routine by a full half hour. In fact, your dog probably hates showers and water altogether.

You buy human food for you and dog food for your dog. Yes, your dog will eye fuck the shit out of any and every morsel of human food you put into your mouth, but the great news is that your dog will never slowly chip away at your bag of chips or container of hummus until it’s halfway gone then be all like, “OMG whaaaat? I have NO idea where all that went. Maybe we have mice.” Your dog will stare, but it knows its food is just around the corner, waiting to be eaten when the desperation fails to work. You’ll let your dog taste your human food when you feel like being a bad dog parent and feeding it to your pooch. Because, really, who can resist watching a dog chomp on chips? It never gets old.

Been saving up laundry for weeks and have about a day and half’s worth of loads to take care of? Have at it! Your dog will either ignore you completely or hide under the bed while the machines make loud noises. Dogs don’t have any laundry to do. The only thing dogs clean on the reg is their genitalia, as we all know and witness each and every day.

Your dog is always down for whatever. Staying home and chilling on the couch all night? Fantastic. Running errands with you in the car? Great, with a side of panting and drool. Sitting out in the backyard for a few hours, not doing much? Wonderful, including the 27 sticks your dog snacks on for the duration of your outdoor hang sesh. Whatever it is you choose to do with your day, your dog won’t argue against it. And, if what you do prohibits your dog’s accompaniment, your dog may be pissed for a second, but will pass out and forget about it soon enough. Because that’s just how your dog is.

And the best part of your dog being your roommate? You can cuddle incessantly and insist your dog sleeps with you, no questions asked–ever. Your dog will gladly allow you to take out all your pent up, semi-aggressive need for physical touch on it. I do it every day. It’s not weird.

It’s not.

Email this to a friend

Emma G

Emma is a female with a vagina and, subsequently, often writes things other vaginas (and sometimes weiners) find super relatable. She is a 20something who loves eating, buying clothes she doesn't need, and wearing lipstick. You can find 4+ years of her rantings on her blog: www.emmasthing.com

4 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take PGP with you. Get

New Stories

Load More