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When It Comes To Flying, Status Is Everything

How To Dominate Traveling For Work

Ever since the airline I designed wasn’t able to get off the ground, I’ve been watching the world through a different shade of lenses. What shade you ask? Gold ones, my Internet reading friend. Specifically United Premier Gold.

The only thing gold I’ve ever received.

You see, after spending a year toiling away at a small startup in the Bay area where the farthest I could travel was around the block, I now work for a company that has me spending my time literally Up In The Air.

Last year, my little two-week jaunt to Spain (which went swimmingly, I might add) plus all of the traveling I did for my job finally amounted to something I always knew I deserved but had yet been given: status. I can’t get enough of it. Do you have any idea the perks you receive at the United Gold level? You probably don’t, you Economy riding jet jockey. Allow me to dangle the carrot.

First and most importantly: complimentary upgrades to Economy Plus seating. No longer do I have to pretzel my legs under my damaged hips and back in steerage again! Now I can stretch them out in all that extra legroom and maybe even throw in a few yoga poses to fully complete the California stereotype.

Un-fucking-believable…

Un-fucking-believable…

I can also upgrade my flying companion, completely free of charge. I hope I can find a hooker who’ll accept a seat upgrade as money paid!

“Hi ladies…I hope one of you has liquids less than 3.4 oz!”

“Hi ladies…I hope one of you has liquids less than 3.4 oz!”

Second, I’m given TWO free complimentary checked bags, up to seventy pounds. Seventy pounds! Do you realize how many bags of Skittles I can bring onboard with no charge? I looked it up; it’s about 160 bags. And bags of the original Skittles, with the lime flavor. None of this green apple BULLSHIT.

But the best part about Gold Status? The respect. Everywhere I go I’m thanked for my loyalty. Most of the time I want to laugh, then cry and then spit in their face. You think if I had a choice I would be spending a third of my time flying your shitty airline? If I have to fly it I’m planning on doing it with style.

If you see this walking down the aisle towards your row, watch out.

If you see this walking down the aisle towards your row, watch out.

With a couple of trips back and forth to Chicago for the holidays and upcoming work trips, I know I’ll crush the 50K mileage goal easily to get Gold status again for 2017. Which leaves me with a dilemma –

Do I book a round trip ticket to Hawaii and maybe take a quick (six-ten hour) swing by NYC in the month of December, to try to get United Platinum Status for next year? You bet your Southwest Airline flying ass I do. It’s called a mileage run and airline big shots like me take them all the time. Because you see, with Platinum Status you can bring THREE checked bags for free and can upgrade EIGHT companions to Economy Plus seating.

Imagine how many Skittles and hookers I could bring onboard then.

Image via YouTube

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015.

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