I was touching base with my friends back home last night when the topic of marriage came up. In the last six months, two of our pledge brothers have gotten engaged, and we were talking about what a mess that wedding is going to be. Naturally, after discussing messes, I inquired into how the bachelor party had been a few weeks prior. I was expecting to get some juicy stories (and hopefully some NSFW pics) dropped into the chat. But instead, all I got was this:
Excuse me? River rafting? A BBQ? That would be a great weekend, but that’s not a bachelor party. This isn’t the first time I’ve noticed this trend. Guys are having bachelor parties where they go on hikes, or catch a show, or even just hang out in their own backyard and have a few beers. In short, people are trying to ruin the sanctity of bachelor parties.
And I’ve had enough of it.
The bachelor party isn’t supposed to be a trip with your friends where you all learn more about yourselves and come out the other side a better person. It isn’t supposed to be about exploration, getting closer with your friends, or staying in your comfort zone and chilling in your hometown. The bachelor party is supposed to be a debauchery-filled drunken haze that brings everyone down to their base, animalistic forms and produces bad decisions at a rate that you previously thought were impossible. As fun as day trips or grilling out with your best friends are, that’s the kind of shit you have the rest of your life to do. Even the coolest wife in the world isn’t going to be ok with you telling her that you and the boys are going to Atlantic City over the weekend to do nothing but throw your life savings at blackjack dealers and strippers alike. You’ll catch hell from her for going, and you’ll catch even more hell for not inviting her.
“Don’t you want to spend time with your wife?” she’ll say, hurt that you wouldn’t want her along for the fun. “Would it not be as fun with me there?” She’ll ask. And you’ll have to look at her, with lies in your eyes, and respond with, “Of course, it would be as fun with you there. I just didn’t think you’d enjoy it.” However, you can tell her that you’re going on backpacking/rafting trip with the boys every year, and she’d be glad to get you out of the house because she knows she’d hate it, and more importantly, she knows there won’t be any females there.
Don’t get me wrong, going on a trip to Belize where you lay out in the sun and drink Piña Coladas for five days sounds amazing, and doing it with your friends would be an awesome trip. However, it’s also the kind of awesome trip you could take with your wife, or with a few couples, and have just as much fun. You’ll have the rest of your life to go on cool, adventurous vacations with your wife, but you won’t get the disgusting feeling of a bachelor party again. It is, after all, your last hurrah. You’ll be a married man, and probably a father soon after that. You can’t be waking up naked on the floor of a Las Vegas suite, with a pounding headache and a nose that is suspiciously raw when you have a child. You can’t be ordering a private strip show to your hotel room when you’re raising a kid. That 19-year-old girl grinding up on you has a father just like you, for god’s sake.
Now, if you miss out on the carnage of a true bachelor party, it may likely be the last time you get a chance to experience it. It doesn’t have to be Vegas, or even Atlantic City. I know not everyone can afford that (including myself), but that doesn’t mean you have to give up on the experience. When it comes to bachelor parties, the nastiest strip club reigns supreme anyway. You don’t need to be dropping racks at a high-priced venue that only hired dimes when you could be having more fun at The White Dolphin, Little Rock’s premier plus-sized strip club. If the flight home from your bachelor party doesn’t consist of sunglass-covered, thousand-yard stares from your whole crew, then you haven’t done it right. And the best part is, you have a pass from the wife. Not to cheat on her or anything, but to have a weekend with your friends that you don’t have to talk about. The rest of your life is going to be filled with questions about your plans, and checking in, and making sure your kids don’t have ballet recital before scheduling something. Use the bachelor party for what it is intended to be – one last regret-filled weekend before you become a respectable man.
Don’t ruin it. Embrace it. .
Image via YouTube