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What You’re Doing For “No Shave November” And What It Says About You

“Movember”

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You are down with the cause of supporting prostate and testicular cancer research. You’re also down with looking like the manliest man in your office. Tom Selleck becomes your temporary idol of worship. You find yourself staring off into the distance, wondering how he got it so bushy, so well-kempt, so desirable. You’re not just growing out your facial hair because you feel like it; you’re growing out your facial hair because you’re a man’s man, just growing out one helluva lip sweater in support of the balls of mankind.

Beard

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Grizzly Adams once said, “If you’re an American, and you don’t have a beard, I will hunt you down and murder you myself.” I may have been paraphrasing there, but he’s right. If you can pull it off, nothing says you mean business like a thick, manly crop of hair along your chin and jaw. Also, nothing says, “My company does not have restrictions on facial hair” like a thick, manly crop of hair along your chin and jaw.

Not Shaving At All

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You truly do not give a damn. You probably don’t even know that the calendar has changed to November and your clocks are still one hour ahead. You look like you spend most of your time updating your 300-subscriber YouTube gaming channel and going to work at your part time job at GameStop. Maybe take a minute to look at yourself in the mirror to see how ridiculous you look.

Goatee

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Sick goat, bro. 1998 called, they want to know how you got that rockin’ goat of yours to be so sweet. Unless you’re Brad Pitt or Robert Downey Jr., you can’t pull this one off. You’re stuck in some sort of strange time warp that makes you think it is completely okay to sport a goatee. Newsflash, hot shot, goatees haven’t been fashionable since Charlotte Hornets Starter jackets were hot on the playground. Clean it up and sport some respectable facial hair.

Not Participating

Tennis Player Roger Federer from Switzerland shaves using Gillette during launch of the new Gillette champions program in Dubai

You are gainfully employed at a job that you very much enjoy going to everyday.

“If You Don’t Shave, I Don’t Shave”

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This is a growing trend/threat amongst the female population in response to hating the facial hair that their men are sporting during No Shave November. Listen ladies, I’m not going to tell you how to tend to your front porch, but my god, this isn’t a ’70s smut shoot. Most of us are doing this for a good cause. But if your man is just doing this for his own entertainment, then by all means, let it grow and let it show.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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