In my mission to get healthier, I’ve not only put down the beer in favor of sparkling water, I’ve also made some other changes to try and “better myself.” And by better myself, I really mean attempt to get my abs to look like a tic-tac-toe board before the end of September. I already don’t eat meat and recently cut out the little dairy I did consume (Goodbye, Shredded Cheese Straight From The Bag), so the next step was actually busting my ass, getting in the elevator, and taking advantage of my apartment complex’s gym.
The fact that my place came with a full gym, and I’ve only used it three times since moving in June is pretty embarrassing. I have had cardio equipment, a weight room, bikes for spinning, and a yoga studio three floors below me for no cost and opted to stay in room sort of doing sit-ups all summer. But enough is enough, and for the last week and a half (I know, I’m officially part of #fitfam) I’ve been dragging myself down there to sweat out some stuff while listening to podcasts.
Now that I’ve spent a little bit of time surrounded by Nike symbols and leg days, I’ve started noticing all of the different characters that come in and out of the gym. Some things about them are obvious – like the fact that dude with “Poker Face” coming out of his bluetooth headphones is absolutely wearing a morset (man corset) underneath his tank top for optimal flat ab potential. But the thing that gives them away the most is their go-to workout.
If you are comfortable enough to be around total strangers in that Speedo you need to go home because you are already done. We get it, you were on the swim team in high-school, and were you just a little taller you could have been Michael Phelps. You almost had it. Swimmers are the types of people who will never order fries because of the calories, but will constantly steal things off of your plate because they’re actually starving and, well, everyone loves fries. I don’t think they mean to body shame you when they step out of the pool glistening like a Disney character and shaking the water from their ears, but they definitely do.
Ellipticals were designed because it’s too hard to flip through magazines when you’re running. The reasons girls still look daisy fresh in those gym mirror selfies hastagged with “#abetterme” or “#gymrat” with the mouse emoji, is because working out on the elliptical is like using assistant for taking a step. You’re probably one of those people who eats a salad and wonders why you don’t have a six pack the next day. And you’re absolutely one of those people who weighs themselves after they poop to see how much lighter they are.
Those machines look like a medieval torture device, and I am afraid. People who are super into pilates are always one trend step ahead of everybody else, and they know it. They’ll try to come across gracious and all “Oh stop,” when someone says, “Wow Lindsay, you were totally wearing overalls as casual brunch attire before it was cool.” But really hearing that kind of shit is what they LIVE for.
You need to change the channel and stop watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Your butt will never look like that.
Get off the treadmill, get a pair of balls, deal with the weather, and run outside. Yes, even if you live somewhere with snow. There’s a half marathon every year at the end of February in Montana around a lake called Snow Joke; I don’t want to hear it. It’s raining? Try not to fall into a puddle. And if you get hit by lightning, maybe you’ll run faster.
Insanity/P90X/T25/Another Thing That Has A Dude Yelling At You On A DVD
Why do you like crying and jumping to bad techno music while a guy who also pushes a brand of shakes yells at you from your TV? Also…can you seriously get through them all without throwing up? A girl I know did one once and only made it through the “warm up” before puking and then deciding to remain average forever. I bet you also bought a shake weight and used it before you realized how you looked. Have fun blending your recovery shake in your Magic Bullet. Also…can I borrow your magic bullet?
People who are super into yoga cannot WAIT to tell you about yoga. I fully believe they carry their mats with them not because they actually have a yoga class to attend, but in hopes that people will ask them about yoga. They like to make a show about their levels of flexibility by sitting in the most awkward positions on the floor when you’re just trying to watch the VMAs in peace, overly enunciate words like “acai,” and shake their heads with a knowing smile about how zen they are when their friends talk about stress.
By far the loudest human beings at the gym. Where as yoga people like to make a show about yoga OUTSIDE of class, weight-lifters are constantly in a dick swinging contest with every other person at the 24 Hour Fitness. They’re the strongest, the most dedicated. They’re the ones who were up at 4:45 a.m. chugging creatine shakes and eating nothing but egg whites before heading somewhere to lift really heavy stuff. They can crush you with their bicep because they care more than you. Don’t ask one to scooch over so you can grab a dumbbell and do some curls unless you want to know what it feels like to have a sweaty bulldog roll it’s eyes at you.
You enjoy hating your life, Snapchatting yourself from the chin down only, and getting caught in the reflection of glassware when you’re taking photos of the table setting at brunch. Also, your name might be Will deFries..
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