We all have our coping mechanisms. For many, the sound of an ice cold can of American brew causes the brain to enter chill mode and release endorphins. There’s no right or wrong way to do it, but you can tell a lot about a young adult by what they throw down their gullet after a hard day’s work. I’m not talking about what you drink when you and Dan hit up happy hour after a particularly grueling meeting. No, I’m talking about your standard “I’m not leaving the couch tonight, damn it” weeknight.
Classic Beers (Busch)
You’re a single, red-blooded American man, and you’ve been thinking about throwing back some cold ones since about 3 p.m. There’s a ballgame on, and even though your team is 7.5 games out of the second wildcard spot, you’re going to support those guys. Your boss is probably a real SOB, and you find yourself telling your coworkers, “I need a beer,” fairly often. You’ve been in your entry level role with Company X for more than a year, but you show up early and stay late with hopes of getting ahead. Even though you occasionally bitch about the company at happy hour with your most trusted work buds, you have no serious thoughts about leaving anytime soon. Sure, you’ll be interested if that analyst position downtown opens up, but right now, you’re making decent money, and there’s nobody tying you down.
Oh, look at you. You’re probably a little self-conscious about drinking Busch, so you pony up the extra few bucks for something local. You really believe that #drinkinglocal justifies the fact that you just polished off a six pack on a Wednesday night, plus the 2 strays you had hiding behind the Horizon Organic Milk. In the end, you’re still going to feel like death when that alarm goes off.
You obviously throw big boy weights around. You’re dealing with a nagging rotator cuff issue, but you’re still going to max out on military press later this week. Would you like to have a beer or two after work? Yeah, of course. But your metabolism yanked the e-brake as soon as accepted your first job out of school, and now you can only see two of your abs. That’s not going to cut it. You were probably in an on-again, off-again relationship with a total babe from college, but now she’s moved on to some cheese dick pharmaceutical rep that has a sick loft in Uptown.
Oh well. That’s your motivation. You drop 50 bucks a week at Whole Foods on smoothie ingredients, including anything that’s mentioned in passing on the “Joe Rogan Experience.” You know it may make you bloated and could fuck up your liver, but you’re still crushing creatine before and whey after every pump sesh. You like every one of The Rock’s Instagram posts, and you truly believe that you can get ahead at your company if only the bosses know how hard you grind at LA Fitness.
Glass of Wine
You sophisticated son of bitch. You’ve read all the articles (or at least the headlines of the articles) touting the health benefits of a little red wine each night. Plus, with all that binge drinking you do Friday through Sunday, Lord knows you could stand to lose some toxins. You’re probably a young, professional gal in her mid-twenties, or a career-focused male in his late-twenties that got forced to move in with his significant other at gunpoint. Or you’re just married, and you can’t pass on an opportunity to try that bottle of Meomi that is normally $21 but was on sale this week (with your rewards card) for $17, because that’s all you have left in life. You always tell yourself that it’s just going to be one glass, but there’s just something about Bachelor In Paradise that makes you feel a little edgy and you always end up polishing off half the bottle.
Total young professional move (TYPM). You are wise beyond your years, but you’re stuck in that first year associate hellhole. You know that you have great ideas that could skyrocket the company into the stratosphere, but nobody will listen to you. You are desperate for respect, which you make clear as you pour from your monogrammed decanter filled with Chivas Regal 12 into your retro highball glass like you’re goddamned Nucky Thompson. You often burn through your inbox while sipping Chivas on the rocks with just a splash of water. You look down on your peers (you don’t have time for friends) that have the audacity to drink beer, and you make sure everyone knows how much you love a good scotch. You love telling people how much you love scotch. The only thing you love more is telling people how important your role in the company is, and how diverse your portfolio is. #FIGJAM
You may be an alcoholic. You should probably talk to someone, because you’re circling the drain. Okay, maybe it’s not that dramatic, but unless you’re out at the bar on a Thursday, you really have no business drinking vodka during the week. Ever heard of Leigh Steinberg? The guy had the world by the balls, then fell victim to this clear, deadly poison. I know I’m stepping on some toes here, but drinking vodka alone on a Tuesday night just raises so many red flags. You’re either struggling to find a job, just out of a long-term relationship, or you absolutely despise your current gig.
You probably try to class it up by making martinis, but that somehow has the opposite effect. You’re living the life of a recently divorced trophy wife, but you’re only 28. Sometimes, you scroll through old Facebook albums and think about when you studied abroad in Costa Rica and went zip-lining with Chelsea, your “Big” from Tri-Delt. You’re good at hiding it, but people are starting to wonder if you have it together..
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