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What Your Unemployment Excuses Actually Mean

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Let’s face it. At some point in your postgrad life, you will be unemployed. Maybe it’s because you’re still looking for a job a couple months after graduation, or because you got fed up with entry-level hell, or as a result of “downsizing.” Whatever happens, we can all agree that it really fucking blows. The worst part of it all? Explaining your situation to friends, family, the person you’re trying to get it in with, and so on. Of course, because you are a college graduate, you can bullshit with the best of them. The next time someone asks how your job is going, don’t be afraid to use one of these go-to explanations, because we all know what they really mean.

You Say: “I’m taking some ‘me’ time.”
You Mean: “I’ve interviewed at five different companies and haven’t heard back form any of them. I’m trying to understand what exact life choices I made that have led me to this bleak reality. I feel like a failure and need some time to heal my ego’s wounds.”

You Say: “I’m in between jobs right now.”
You Mean: “I still have my college job, but I’m trying to make the jump into something that is somewhat related to my major. This is kind of hard, seeing as I haven’t updated my résumé since my sophomore year of college.”

You Say: “I’m thinking about taking a job in San Diego.”
You Mean: “I saw a job as far away from my home as possible and I’m on the fence about applying for it. I’ll probably chicken out and realize I couldn’t afford to move, so I’ll look for a job closer to home.”

You Say: “I’m looking at a couple different options.”
You Mean: “I’m looking at Craigslist, debating whether I should risk applying to a Craigslist job or not.”

You Say: “I applied for the Peace Corp.”
You Mean: “I have no idea what I want to do and this sounds better than just going to grad school. Plus, they’ll pay my $35,000 student loans.”

You Say: “I’m looking into grad school.”
You Mean: “I really miss undergrad and I’m not ready for the real world.”

You Say: “I’m going to grad school.”
You Mean: “I chose a major that will have me paying loans until I’m 45. I really hope following my passions will lead me to not care that one pair of Kim Kardashian’s shoes costs more than what I will make in a year.

You Say: “I’m nannying for now.”
You Mean: “I didn’t graduate with an MRS degree, so in order to maintain my stellar mom skills and soothe the emptiness of my womb, I’m nannying. I’m spending my obscenely big paycheck on happy hours and blacking out. I’m thinking about grad school.”

You Say: “I’m doing an internship.”
You Mean: “I’ve given up.”

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Hakuna Moscato

Hakuna Moscato (@HakunaMoscato) is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems. She's a retired student-athlete and sorority girl just trying to learn how to adult. She's deeply in love with Baltimore sports and beach bars, and wonders if it's possible to love a man as much as either of those. You can read her reminiscing her college days over on Total Sorority Move.

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