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What Your Resume Says Vs. What It Actually Means

Job-Interview-3

Profile

What Your Resume Says: Name
What It Actually Means: At least one thing on this piece of paper is honest.

What Your Resume Says: Address
What It Actually Means: Please don’t look me up. I still live with my parents.

What Your Resume Says: firstname.lastname@gmail.com
What It Actually Means: I made this account a week ago because StoneColdFan69@aol.com didn’t seem up to snuff.

What Your Resume Says: Name of the job position and why I’m a perfect fit for it
What It Actually Means: I copy and pasted the job position from whatever random company popped up on my LinkedIn.

What Your Resume Says: Recent graduate seeking a position to use my skills in analysis, research, and communications to benefit an organization
What It Actually Means: I am competent and skilled at some things.

What Your Resume Says: Thrives in fast-paced environment
What It Actually Means: I’ll probably spend at least a half hour each day hiding in the bathroom.

What Your Resume Says: Enthusiastic about problem solving
What It Actually Means: I’m going to throw the entire kitchen sink at the wall and see what sticks.

What Your Resume Says: Great organization skills
What It Actually Means: I know which pile of random garbage to scavenger through.

What Your Resume Says: Fast, independent learner
What It Actually Means: I intend to Google every assignment for at least the first three months.

What Your Resume Says: Pays attention to detail
What It Actually Means: I wouldn’t be surprised if this resume has typos.

Experience

What Your Resume Says: Played key role in office support and operations
What It Actually Means: One time, I brought the senior partner coffee. But I dropped the ball when accidentally brought decaf.

What Your Resume Says: Jets Pizza: Customer Service Representative, 2005–2009
What It Actually Means: I was verbally berated by hungry customers trying to place their orders.

What Your Resume Says: Led charitable fundraising efforts through my Greek organization
What It Actually Means: I got drunk at philanthropy events that other people put together.

What Your Resume Says: Active participant in staff meetings
What It Actually Means: I was terrified to so much as sneeze.

What Your Resume Says: Led team in firm conversion to electric filing system
What It Actually Means: I spent last summer plugging data into an Excel spreadsheet.

Education

What Your Resume Says: Name of graduate school
What It Actually Means: Why should I have to even apply for a job with all these extra letters at the end of my name?

What Your Resume Says: Name of undergrad institution
What It Actually Means: This is the place where I vacationed for four (or five, or six) years.

What Your Resume Says: Major: Political Science
What It Actually Means: Oh yeah. Because I’m an idiot.

What Your Resume Says: Dean’s List, six of eight semesters
What It Actually Means: Thank you, test bank.

What Your Resume Says: Name of high school
What It Actually Means: I miss having hope.

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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell makes jokes to hide the fact that he's upset, because that's what children of divorce do.

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