We all put our pants on one leg at a time, curse at our Facebook feed at least twice a day regarding new engagements or babies, and are forced to nourish ourselves at our places of employment. Whether you pack your lunch and decide to go healthy or throw all caution to the wind says a lot about your foray into the frozen tundra that is adulthood. And unfortunately, if you actually want to make those fruitless New Year’s resolutions come true, you have to recognize the problem areas before you can fix them.
You like to play it safe. Almost too safe. Like, “order the cheapest condoms in bulk on your family Amazon Prime account” safe. Not like you’re getting laid anyway. I sincerely hope you at least used wheat bread.
You’ve completely given up. When the four walls of your cubicle (and maybe life itself) are closing in on you in a claustrophobic haze, at least you can find sustenance and even sanity in a hefty combination of meat, cheese, and carbohydrates. Soldier on, slugger. Happy hour will come soon enough.
The eternal optimist, you’ve embraced corporate life and can enjoy simple, everyday pleasures wherever you happen to be. Your order with extra guac will not go unnoticed — don’t be surprised if you find a thirsty temp or two sidling up to you at the next office party.
You’re vindictive enough to bring a McDonald’s bag and all its magical smells into the office. You have no morals or qualms, and are hungover enough to eat a twenty-piece McNugget and large fry with an array of dipping sauces within sight of your superiors. I respect you immensely.
A Starbucks Protein Pack
Really? You spent $5 on an egg, a few apple slices, and cheese? Do you go grocery shopping? Do you think before you leave in the morning, or are you so hungover from the night before you don’t have the capacity to throw a few arbitrary food items into your slightly battered but not yet defeated messenger bag?
A Homemade Salad
So you brought on the painful inevitable. Whether you washed the greens yourself or bought them pre-sanitized in a bag is indicative of your apathy factor. Much like the Chipotle burrito bowl, this is where you discover too much of yourself. Did you add meat for protein or because you’re a raging carnivore with so few pleasures left? Vegetables based on their nutritional value versus what was on sale that week? Your dressing is even more clairvoyant. Are you the type who keeps an emergency bottle of vinaigrette or apple vinegar in your desk, or do you just say “fuck it” and goes with Caesar, thereby destroying the purpose of the salad?
A Store-Bought Salad
We’ve all been there. You’re waiting in line for a $9-$15 meh salad out of sheer apathy or soon-to-be outdated New Year’s resolution. With a disturbing number of choices and their corresponding calories laid out before you like severely disappointing porn, you have to make a choice. Embrace the light or become the Sith Lord of bacon and thousand island dressing you always knew you’d be.
Something From Your Crockpot
You’ve mastered the art of postgrad cooking: throwing a bunch of ingredients into the crockpot and eating whatever glorious thing it decided to spit back out. Not only are you saving money, but precious time that you otherwise would have not been able to get back. You probably have a 401(k) and some sort of secret savings account your drunk self can’t remember the password to..