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What Your Fitness Routine Says About You

Gym Membership

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Good news. You have $25 bucks a month to spare to join up at your local gym. Plenty of good looking hard bodies flock to these places in droves. Only problem is that they treat their workout space like territorial crows, and following gym etiquette can be a chore at times. Either way, good for you. You’re not quite serious about your fitness, but you know it’s important. I’d be willing to bet you make it in two or three times a week. You’re getting into shape and you want people to see it.

P90X/Insanity

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That’s intense. Real intense, man. If you can pull this off, you’ll have the body of a god. You might already be in decent enough shape, but my money is on these DVDs sitting on your coffee table for two months, collecting dust as a constant reminder of failure. Home fitness isn’t for everyone, and you seriously overestimated yourself on this one. You thought you might cut down the time between the drive home and the gym by just eliminating the gym entirely. One problem, you barely have enough room in your apartment to fit a coffee table, let alone do plyo twice a week.

Runner

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You’re part of a cult. A cult whose members are constantly fucking up my program during my morning and evening commute. Regardless, I respect your game. You experience something primal and ancient on a daily basis and get lost in a routine that so many people love. You probably have a great body…if you’re a girl. If you’re a guy and all you do is run, you probably look like some twink that can’t even rep the bar 25 times, bro. Mix in a few ‘shups and maybe a bicep set every once in awhile.

Crossfit

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You will not have cartilage left in any of your joints and will have hip replacement surgery by the time you’re 40. You’re sacrificing your health to be super-fit. Again, I respect your game. You want to get crazy, boy band ass during your 20s and look like you belong on the cover of Men’s Fitness. At the same time, I think you’re an idiot for buying short and selling short on your bod. Yeah, you can do a million burpees right now, but who’s going to help you tie your shoes when you’re 50?

Yoga

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Namaste. If you’re a gal, you probably look great in yoga pants. If you’re a dude, you’re ruining all these hot chicks’ chi with your sweat and man-stank. Can you even downward dog, bro? You like to clear your mind after a long day at the office and there’s no better way to improve your physical and mental well-being than with a good, swampy yoga session.

Garage Gym

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You’re an outlaw. You refuse to conform to mainstream fitness. Every day, you’re training like a street fighter in your sweet ass garage gym, slamming out reps on the bench and jacking your body into 200+ pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal. It’s almost like you’re training for a showdown with a man who killed your wife years ago, except that man doesn’t exist and you have a Brazzers membership, not a wife. You are also probably completely okay with getting your chest caved in by a weight bar. Spotters are for amateurs, anyway.

Nothing

Heavyweights kids

You’re either extremely lazy or you’ve been in a relationship so long, you’ve just decided to give up on your body.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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