Columns

What Your Engagement Ring Says About You

What Your Engagement Ring Says About You

Halo

You are not just a basic bitch, you are THE basic bitch. Your ring is not so much a reflection of your style as it is a part of your “uniform” along with your infinity scarf, balayage, and booties. Your daughter will hate your ring so hard, because it so clearly dates your engagement as something out of the 2010s. It will go out of style in the coming years, but you won’t care, because you and all the other PTA moms “really do love it — not just because it’s trendy.”

Three Stones

In a word? You’re single. You have dreams of bright lights and five carats (three for the center stone, one for each side stone), and if the prospect of an engagement were within the realm of possibility, you’d know that the likelihood of a substantial three-stone engagement ring is very small. Three stones on your aunt who married the brain surgeon look like they’re weighing her hand down. On girls our age? It just looks like communism took a big shit on three little stones that could have been one large one had it been extrinsically motivated. But since your engagement dreams are nowhere near coming to fruition anyway, there’s really no need to alter your reality or your expectations for the time being.

Solitaire, Round

You’re not as painfully basic as Halo Girl, you just…don’t get too worked up about most things. You like the round stone because it’s simple, it’s pretty, and it won’t go out of style. You’re easy-going, and it doesn’t take much to please you. Some might even suggest the crazy notion that you care more about your marriage than your ring. Iconic.

Pear

You are either a 55-year-old woman who was a basic bitch in the ‘80s, or you’re really fucking edgy. Pear shaped rings are cool, simply because they don’t look cool on everybody. They’re not super popular, so not everyone can pull them off. You probably have a pretty basic bitch girl squad, but you are the Emily Ratajkowski among them. Congratulations on being both flawless and effortless at the same time. No one is rooting for you.

Oval/Radiant Stone With Thin Band

You are the most extra of all time, and I mean that in a good way. Your interests include makeup, and fashion, and celebrity gossip. Some may call you vapid, but you call yourself iconic, and that’s really all that fucking matters. You have really great style, and really great taste in anything you consider an accessory, which includes both your ring and your man. May you live a healthy, happy, glamorous life with both of them.

Cushion or Princess Cut

You’re very traditional, which is code for snooty, but you could not give a fuck less about the opinions of plebes. You only think you’re better than everyone else, because you kind of are. Haters might knock on your cardigan collection, but that’s only because they haven’t seen how much wine you can put back behind closed doors — an image that has stayed neatly behind those closed doors due to your own sorcery. You’re going to live a perfect life with your perfect husband in your perfect white house with your perfect 2.7 children and dog, and anyone who tries to stop you be damned, which you might mean literally.

Heart Shaped

Go fuck yourself.

Image via Shutterstock

Email this to a friend

Veronica

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is a writer, editor and content manager for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays.

34 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account

Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take PGP with you. Get

New Stories

Load More