I currently work a 9 to 5 job in an office of about 60 people. No, we do not all wear Hillary pant suits as we laugh at budget numbers over a vanilla chai latte some intern brought us. Yes, I do sit in my own little gray cubicle for most of the day. But it’s more fun than it sounds, I swear. A person’s cubicle is like looking through a looking glass at their pathetic life. We see the most intimate details of their life: their friends, their family, hell, even their preference of ballpoint vs.w felt tip. So what does your cubicle say about you? If you don’t fall into one of these categories, my guess is you are literally too dumb to realize that you aren’t working in a cubicle.
The Blank Page
Typically a blank page indicates the start of a new chapter. You have a fresh, clean canvas to let your new life begin without any preconceived notions. But this is not the case. If your cubicle has nothing on the walls except 2009’s timeline of something once pertaining to your job, you, my friend, are a boring motherfucker. You are content sitting at your desk for 8 hours a day staring at a grey wall and Excel charts. Do you even take a lunch break? My guess is no. Why waste thirty minutes interacting with other human beings and having to see a painting in the hallway when you can sit in your seat pondering whether or not to have your coffee black or black? Ask your coworker’s adorable 3-year-old child to draw you a picture so you can at least bring a little life to your 8 x 8 space. Just pray she doesn’t hand you a piece of white printer paper to match the white printer paper theme you’ve got going on.
The Color Coder
You’re most likely going to find this gem in the PR department. After years of schooling on how to trick the public into thinking your company rocks, it is engraved in his or her head that their cubicle must display some kind superiority to all the messy shitheads in the accounting department next door. The Color Coder has six different hand sanitizer pumps lined up in a row from Bath and Body Works starting with flowery scents and ending in fruity ones. In front of these bottles are coordinating post-its, because how can one work properly without a pink post-it to match their Strawberry Blast Explosion! Hand sanitizer? Cabinets and drawers are all labeled and there is not a misplaced paper to be seen. This person most likely doesn’t even work because they are too Addie’d up to do anything but organize.
The Mysterious Desk and Computer
There is nothing in this cubicle except a desk and a computer. Who the hell even sits here? Does he get paid? I don’t think I’ve ever seen him before. What the fuck does he even do and how to I get that job? WHO IS THIS MYSTERY PERSON?
The “I Just Got Engaged!!”
Your coworker just sent out an email announcing her engagement. Are you surprised? No. Her cubicle is decked out from head to toe in nauseatingly cute photos of her and her soon-to-be hubby. More likely than not, each photo is Pinterest ready with a label on top of it mounted on a cute pastel paper saying, “Us at the park” or “Us sitting on the same side of the table at an overpriced restaurant.” I mean, I get it. You love your significant other more than anything else in the world. (Well, I don’t really get it because I haven’t felt the touch of a man in years.) But do you really need to shove it in the faces of all your cubicle mates? And how do you fit so many picture frames on your desk and still have space to continuously maintain your perfect French mani? If your cube mates have to put up with you and your boyfriend’s I’m With Him/I’m with Her t-shirts, they sure as hell deserve a damn invite to the wedding, even though they probably already decided they won’t go. My advice? Do less, lady. Do fucking less.
The “We Are a Happy Family with Happy Friends!”
I can see right through the 10 professional family photos you have mounted on the walls of your tiny space. This perfection of matching sweater vests screams “THIS ANNUAL PHOTOSHOOT IS THE ONLY THING KEEPING US TOGETHER!” Surrounding your family portraits are pictures of you and your ladies having the times of your lives traveling around the world. This tells me you ditch your nerdy kids and washed up hubby for the slopes or beach whenever you get the chance. You’re not fooling anyone, and your family needs to lay off on the damn teeth whitener.
This desk comes with a shovel, because there’s no way to sit in the chair without hauling all of the crap out of the way. It’s amazing that this person can even work with the six thousands papers and files spewed everywhere and post-it notes covering their computer notes with messages like “schedule fat call boost 48506 Jerry message IMPORTANT.” You look at it and think, “What the fuck?” but to them, it is everything important in the world. Everything on their desk, from the gangbang of appointment sheets to the clusterfuck of files is exactly where it needs to be. Accidently threw away what you thought was a scrap piece of paper? Might as well have written a death sentence for yourself because this cube mate’s head is going to explode faster than their unwrapped microwavable lunch.
The walls of your cube are neatly lined with everything and anything to do with your job. Your six cups of coffee all have your company’s logo plastered on them and your answering machine is flashing with 46 messages. You, my friend, are a workaholic. “Oh,” you think to yourself, “like the cool funny potheads from the show ‘Workaholics’ or the hot successful man in a business suit who just wants to provide his three children with a Mercedes on their sixteenth birthday?” Nay, friends. Think more along the lines of Dwight Schrute. Your whole life is your job because when you aren’t at your job, you sit on your pull out couch in your studio downtown wishing you were back in your swirly chair meeting deadlines. You should get a puppy. Scratch that, you will neglect the shit out of the poor little guy because he can’t produce revenue. Allow me to suggest a tortoise: low maintenance, only eats a leaf a kale occasionally, and can’t run away from your pitiful presence. Snap a photo of him, frame it, and put it on your desk. You’ll become 10x more approachable in an instant, but that’s really not saying much considering people literally request to be on the other side of the building from you and your not-showered-or-slept-for-days aroma.