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What Your Car Says About You

Purchasing a car is one of the more important decisions you’ll make in life. Depending on how your future shakes out, it’s typically going to be with you for at least a few years. The decision you make is inherently tied to your identity, which makes the assumptions I make about you even easier.

1. Affordable Sports Car

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I want to avoid saying that everyone who drives a Mustang is a douche, because both of my best friends drive Mustangs. It certainly does indicate some personality traits, though. People with Mustangs, Camaros, and Challengers don’t have the money for a Porsche or a Ferrari, but they’d probably buy one in a second. In the words of Ricky Bobby, they wanna go fast. This puzzles me, because it’s not like you really need a lot of horsepower to drive in a major metropolitan area. They tend to be overly aggressive drivers, which I’ve often found correlates to being an overly aggressive human being.

2. Mid-Sized SUV

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The most domesticated person on this list drives one of these. Sure, they might have it left over from college when it was useful to have a vehicle that could carry a lot of people, but in all likelihood, they bought it because they’re anticipating a family soon. I don’t know anyone who has intentionally bought an SUV who isn’t either in a serious relationship, engaged, or married–there’s just no need for it otherwise. If you have a friend with a Ford Explorer or a Dodge Durango, you can probably expect an invite to a baby shower in the next couple years.

3. Luxury Car

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Someone who’s in his or her twenties and owns a BMW or a Lexus is doing one of two things. This person is either single and working a high income job that’s open to young people, or his or her parents are loaded. So, basically this person is either in sales and is a prick, or he or she come from money and is a prick.

4. Jeep

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Have you ever seen a Jeep owned by someone in his or her twenties that didn’t have a bike rack on it? I’m convinced that mountain biking is just a gateway drug for overpriced, top-heavy SUVs. Would I buy a Jeep if I could? You better fucking believe it. They’re fun as shit to drive, which is why most Jeep owners have them in the first place. Plus, open panels so the wind can whip through their way too long hair.

5. Truck

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This one depends on where the person lives and what his or her job is. If the person works construction or lives in a small town, then it’s acceptable. But if the person in question sells insurance in a large city, I question the necessity of owning a truck. Don’t get me wrong–having a pickup is awesome. I drove one for several years. But if you live in the city and aren’t hauling stuff around, then I’m suspicious of your motives. If you combine that with an unnecessary cowboy hat and stupid bumper stickers, I’m probably going to avoid your Bud Light-drinking ass at the bar.

6. Early 2000s Sedan

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I lived this existence for a long time. Older sedans are maybe the least sexy car on the planet. You’re not impressing anyone with them, but they’re extremely useful. The gas milage is pretty good, they have plenty of room, and many of them are extremely comfortable to drive. People with sedans don’t really give a shit about how they look, so that probably extends to their wardrobe as well. Look for a lot of lazy guys in gym shorts and canvas shoes stepping out of sedans.

7. No Car

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This is my life now. My dearly beloved ‘03 Buick Regal, LeRoi, finally bit the dust last week. I’ve gone from the practical, unsexy car to something even worse: nothing. I’ve come to the realization that the lack of a car basically dashes any hopes of dating someone until I’m able to buy a new one. It wasn’t that I was trying that hard in the first place, but it was nice to at least think I had options. If you don’t have a car, you’re likely working a job that pays very little and you have grander aspirations for the future that haven’t panned out yet. It’s not exactly the most attractive situation to be in.

Basically what I’m saying is that no car = 100 percent undateable. Own cars, people.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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