I could sit here and tell you that the fact the first weekend of the NCAA Tournament isn’t a national holiday is a gosh dang travesty thanks Obama this used to be such a great country what about Joe Sixpack? The fact of the matter is that the only sports-related holiday that should exist is the day after the Super Bowl and that’s it. Part of the “madness” of March Madness is the “rule breaking” that comes along with it. Playing hooky, finding a way around your office’s firewall, budgeting your time between the morning and afternoon match-ups, figuring out which Applebee’s has the best TVs — it’s a wonderful ritual.
Still, there’s prepping to be done, and I’m not just talking about figuring out what the hell TruTV’s channel number is.
CASH, CASH, CASH
Cash is king, especially around tournament time. Your bookie isn’t the only one taking action this week. Jeff in logistics is giving you Richmond plus the points? Take that action all day. The vending machine guy might make at least twice as much as you do, but that doesn’t mean you should shy away from that “No ACC teams will make the Final Four” prop bet. Shut down that ‘Nova grad who thinks she’s better than everyone by making her bet an entire paycheck on them not making it out of the first weekend. Do NOT fall into the Kentucky homer’s trap. That never ends well for anyone. Always have a fat wad of Lincolns sitting in your desk and you’ll be fine.
Hard Copy Brackets
What’s worse, having your desk littered with seven different brackets or struggling to figure out where you filled out all of your brackets? Let me let you in on a little twentieth century secret: Your office probably has a printer. Use it. Nothing says “I’ve got the fever” like a desk full of highlighted brackets covered in your chicken scratch. After a certain amount of time, they’ll be so covered in neon yellow marker and red ink, your boss will just think you’re filling out some sort of crazy spreadsheet. By the end of the week, your desk needs to look like Joe Lunardi came through and had a coke party in your cube. Just try to stay organized.
A Solid Lunch Spot
You will be faced with a choice: Do you want to be where the action is or do you want peace and quiet? Any sports bar is gonna be crazy full of corporate slacks gone AWOL and you’ll probably end up getting at least one alcoholic drink sloshed on you. You want some peace and quiet? Stay at work, idiot. March Madness is about trying to out-sports-fan anyone who says he or she is a sports fan. Take a long lunch on Thursday and Friday. Forsake your professional and personal responsibilities and polish off a couple of Budweisers before wrapping up your workday in between sessions.
A PTO Day In The Holster
You never know when you might just want to say “fuck this” and just straight up neglect your job in favor of sitting on your couch in your underwear for that massive 7-10 matchup that is going to make or break your bracket, and consequently, this month’s rent. Hopefully you haven’t squandered much of your 2015 PTO or maybe a little bit rolled over from 2014 (depending on whether or not you work for a decent company) and you can afford to take a day off. I’m not advocating that you take an entire day off, but there’s really nothing better than confidently strolling out of the office at 11 a.m. to take the rest of the day off for “personal reasons.” Be warned: Everyone will see right through you and it’s going to make you look like an undedicated piece of shit. It’s accurate, but that’s not the vibe you’re going for.
Access To March Madness Live
So you couldn’t/didn’t want to take the PTO? Fair enough. There’s an app for that. March Madness Live blocked on your company’s firewall? Get around it and pray you don’t exceed your data limit. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. First Row Sports will probably load your work computer up with viruses, but the odds are, your company won’t have MML blocked on your company’s firewall unless your boss is a real asshole. Once the bosses see how many people are accessing it on their network, it’ll probably be blocked. No worries, though. That probably won’t happen until the Friday session, so you’ll at least have one day of bball binge-watching.
If anyone tries to schedule a meeting after 11 a.m., remember what I told you about PTO days. Unless it’s your annual review or an all-hands meeting, you can always reschedule.
Willingness To Quit Without Thinking Anything Through
When it comes down to it, how
stupid dedicated are you?.
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