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What Would Really Happen In These Movies You Watched As A Kid

Home Alone

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I don’t care how mentally challenged the Wet Bandits are, no 8-year-old kid is crafty enough to out-duel two hardened criminals. Harry and Marv slit Kevin’s throat within minutes of entering the house. Kate and Peter McAllister are charged with child negligence for being terrible parents and leaving their youngest son behind to die while they vacation in France. Buzz breaks up with his girlfriend after struggling with the loss of his younger brother causes him to realize how dog-like she truly is.

Hook

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Peter Banning is disbarred after coming down from his weeklong acid trip, and finds himself wrapped in a straight jacket within the walls of a psychiatric hospital.

Blank Check

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Preston takes that blank check, fills it out for $1,000,000, walks into the bank, and hands it to the teller. The teller laughs in Preston’s face before calling his manager over. The manager laughs in Preston’s face, and then rips up the check. The bank teller gives Preston a serious talk about how check fraud is a serious crime. Roll credits.

Monsters, Inc.

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Boo grows up, realizes she was kidnapped and nearly murdered by monsters that emerged from her closet to collect her screams, and runs away to Europe to become a low-end prostitute, eventually turning to heroin to repress the horrifying memories of her childhood. Great work, Sullivan.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

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Wonka is a mad man. How many children that we don’t even know about have died touring his factory? Twenty? Fifty? That deathtrap is shut down by the state, and Willy is shipped off to federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison for life.

Mrs. Doubtfire

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When your incredibly hairy dad becomes a cross-dresser, and poses as a British nanny named Mrs. Doubtfire so that he can spend more time with you and your siblings after your parents divorce, and almost murders your mom’s hot British boyfriend who drives a Mercedes Benz, there is no happy ending. You rebel, and you rebel hard. You yell things like “Fuck you, mom!” when your mom tells you to clean your room, and cut your own hair and dye it black, and wear black eye shadow, and cry yourself to sleep. Eventually you get shipped off to boarding school, and then join the military, and then go to Afghanistan. That’s what happens to all three of Daniel Hillard’s kids.

The Mighty Ducks

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Gordon Bombay gets shitfaced after the Mighty Ducks lose their first game, and then drives his car, because that’s what he does; he drinks and drives. He gets pulled over and arrested after refusing the field sobriety test, his probation is revoked, and he is sentenced to one year in county jail. The Mighty Ducks go on to lose every single game of their season.

Toy Story

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Remember when Woody devised a plan to prevent Andy’s troubled neighbor, Sid Phillips, from torturing his toys any longer? And then Woody and a gang of toys scared the ever-living shit out of Sid? Yeah, being threatened by a bunch of walking, talking playthings traumatizes Sid for life. He starts chain-smoking cigarettes on the roof of his house, and stealing his mom’s Vicodin after she falls asleep. Eventually, years of therapy fail to repair the damage that Woody and his friends have done to Sid’s fragile psyche, and he commits suicide by sticking another “Big One” in his mouth and lighting it.

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover podcast, psychotic Rockets fan, fair-weather Astros fan, and sad Texans fan.

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