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What To Get Your Girlfriend Instead Of An Engagement Ring

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Engagement rings are dumb, you guys. I mean, honestly, the concept is cool in general, and if it was something that someone had uniquely thought of for his own, personal proposal, it’d be really interesting. But it’s not. Instead, it’s a stupid, uncreative social norm, and I’m tired of it. Let’s get rid of rings and put that money to use somewhere else. You two are a fun, creative couple, right? Then act like it! Put your thinking beanies on. Here are a few ideas to get you started.

A Car

I mean, I don’t know what kind of price range you’re in as far as rings go, but I’m willing to bet you can get a decent used car for it. You know what you can do with that car? Whatever the fuck you want. Get a convertible and make it your couple’s weekend car. Convertibles are shit for daily drives, but when you two lovebirds want to go cruise the coast, there’s nothing better than throwing the top down and letting the wind muss up your hair. Or get a truck so that moving things will be much easier. You’ll get a house soon (you think you won’t, but you will) so having a truck to not only move stuff in, but have on hand for renovations and projects will be clutch as fuck.

A Pre-Honeymoon

How many real vacations have you been on? I imagine now that you’re engaged, you’re just looking forward to the honeymoon. But there’s so much pressure on the honeymoon. It’s your first time gettin’ it in as man and wife, you’re exhausted from all of the effort you put into planning and executing the wedding, and really all you want to do is relax. Why not use the high that you have off of getting engaged to go somewhere fancy and have an active vacation? Spend all that ring money on an adventure. That way, when the real honeymoon comes around, neither of you will feel pressured to participate in a bunch of stupid activities. You can sit back, relax, and have as much or as little sex as you want, because your intense honeymoon has already happened.

Tattoos

You’re rebels, right? Why not each get some ink of the other person’s choice? It can be anything from getting his or her name emblazoned on your wrist all the way up to a full body deal, depending on how much money you have and how high your pain tolerance is. Personally, I’d probably choose something like my handprint over her boobs, or putting “Knox has dibs” above her vagina, but that’s just me.

A Ring With Any Kind Of Gem That’s Not A Diamond

Okay fine, so I haven’t talked any of the ladies into anything that’s not a nice, shiny thing sitting on top of a round, shiny thing that goes on your finger. Fine. But why diamonds, guys? Look, I get that I’m not breaking any new ground here by advocating for a non-diamond engagement ring. There are plenty of people who have gone with sapphires, rubies, emeralds, or any number of precious gems that aren’t a stupid diamond. But for the most part, we’re stubbornly sticking to it. Guys, diamonds are fucking dumb. They just are. They have no inherent value other than the false scarcity of them (Thanks, De Beers!), they fuel conflict in already conflicted countries, and they look stupid. That’s right, your diamond looks stupid. Every other gem has a color, but what color is a diamond? Oh yeah, it doesn’t have one. Oh sure, it refracts light, and you can see prisms of everything in its cuts, and blah, blah, blah horseshit. Diamonds suck. Get a fancy colored gem, pay way less money for more carats, and tell the diamond monopoly to suck my loupe.

Nothing

Yeah, revolutionary, right? This is America, people. Nobody says you have to do shit. If you want to blow all that cash on a ring, go for it. If you want to keep it in your bank account and save it for a rainy day so that you two lovebirds aren’t left blowing in the wind if some shit goes down, then do that. You’re about to enter into a magical world in which everyone will now assume that you’re responsible adults simply because you have a spouse. Don’t let poorly scripted jewelry commercials and overly emotional proposal videos influence you. It’s your life, so do whatever the hell you want with it. Just don’t, like, kill anyone or anything. That’s still illegal.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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