As every bride will tell you, her bachelorette party and wedding are only as good as their itinerary. But much like rules, itineraries are made to be broken and things rarely go as planned. Once you start factoring in irresponsible guys who took vacation time for the wedding and all the alcohol flowing through everyone’s veins, things start to get pretty dicey which is why a realistic wedding itinerary is key to success.
Golf, tee times staggered out twelve to fifteen minutes. Of the twelve golfers who are supposed to show up, only ten do. Prior to teeing off, everyone debates whether or not they should drink now, wait until the back nine, or not drink at all while fervently texting the two missing parties, “Are you guys serious right now? We tee off in five minutes.”
Bridesmaids hair and make-up begins at local salon. They all complain to each other, “Did we really have to get here this early?” behind the bride’s back. Upon arriving to get their hair done, bridesmaids are required to drink champagne while simultaneously texting their boyfriends and plus-ones complaints about having to start so early.
Groomsmen meet up with groom and begin getting ready. Topics of conversation to be covered include (but are not limited to): which girls looked the hottest at the rehearsal dinner, who is going to get the drunkest at the reception, how hungover they are, and who should or should not have won the scramble from that morning. One by one, each groomsmen asks the groom, “You nervous, buddy?”
Bride begins hair. The day’s first Instagrams are thrown out of the bride with just a ton of natural light flooding the room. Every girl asks for clarification around what the wedding hashtag is for fear of their photos not being included in the search should they fuck it up. In their robes and monogrammed pajamas, they take way too many silly girl selfies with captions similar to, “The day is finally here!”
Each wedding party is instructed to eat lunch. The bridesmaids are to eat at the salon and can be seen tip-toe’ing around any food of actual substance while the groomsmen pile down cold cuts to get a good base for the day. For fear of not fitting into their tailored bridesmaid dresses that they’ve all already relentlessly bitched about to their significant others, the lunch buffet remains untouched until the caterer takes it away.
The bride is to get dressed (with accompanying photos being taken). The bridesmaids all gush over how beautiful she looks while also secretly starting to plot how they can get their boyfriends to propose to them because they need the same amount of attention the bride is getting. Every bridesmaid claims, “You’re the most beautiful bride I’ve ever seen,” until the next wedding comes along and they say it all over again.
Groom arrives for “First Look” photos with the bride. The bride holds back tears while the groom has an inner monologue consisting of, “I wonder who’s winning the game,” and “Christ, how many fucking pictures do we actually need?” A sense of resentment festers within the groom as he thought he had washed his hands of cheesy photos after completing the engagement photos where they (for whatever reason) sat in a landlocked canoe together.
Bridal photos are to be taken before the ceremony at the country club and/or church. Everyone sweats their dick off in their suits while the girls spend most of the time fixing each other’s hair and asking, “Do I have lipstick on my teeth?” The wedding photographer scolds every groomsmen for wanting to wear their sunglasses.
Pre-ceremony music begins as the attendees take their seats. Behind the scenes, the groom becomes more nervous than he anticipated and promptly slams two cocktails at the recommendation of the groomsmen who are looking for any excuse to drink. He does, they do, everyone is happy.
The bride, groom, bridal, party, parents, and grandparents begin to line up. Each of the groomsmen has to pee after the sudden influx of liquid in their system. The bridesmaids remain parked near a mirror making sure none of their hair clips have come out and their boobs are straight, all while texting their boyfriends and dates asking, “Why the fuck aren’t you here yet?”
The ceremony begins. A group of five attendees (all male, all in their 20s, all wearing pretty much the exact same suit and tie combination) can be seen trying to quietly sneak into the ceremony after showing up five minutes late despite knowing they’ve had to be there before 4:30 for the last two months.
The ceremony concludes and cocktail hour commences. Both wedding parties and accompanying relatives experience huge amounts of FOMO because they’d rather be at cocktail hour than taking these damn photos. A bitchy bridesmaid goes on a power trip and barks orders at an unsuspecting plus-one — “Can you make yourself useful and get the bride a glass of fucking champagne?”
Bridal party heads into cocktail hour. The bride is faced with more cameras and requests for photos than anyone had anticipated. Every person in their 20s asks a variation of, “So what’ve you been up to lately, man? Everything good?” while exchanging stories about their shitty jobs, grad school, and who’ll be next to take the plunge.
The bride and groom make their grand entrance into the reception following both bridal parties. A douchebag groomsmen wears a pair of $5 sunglasses and makes inappropriate hump motions behind the bridesmaid he enters with while “All I Do Is Win” makes every old person uncomfortable. He thinks he’s hilarious while everyone wonders why he’s a part of this in the first place.
Salads are served. The bride eats hers in less than a minute because it’s the first solid food she’s had in the last three months in her attempts to be as skinny as possible for the wedding day.
Wedding toasts are made. The bride’s father welcomes the everyone while the best man nervously bumbles through his speech before finally finding his stride and ending on a high note after scrapping his original plan. The maid of honor ugly cries through her speech while saying, “Honestly, I didn’t think I’d cry for this,” even though everyone knew she’d obviously cry for this.
The father/daughter dance begins followed by the mother/son dance, father of the groom/bride dance, and the mother of bride/groom dance. Meanwhile, everyone at the reception feels like a horse in the gate at the Kentucky Derby waiting to drunkenly tear up that dancefloor with their white suburban dad dance moves while the band plays “Land of 1,000 Dances” and “Shout!”
The cake is cut while the bride and groom promptly smear it all over each other’s faces in a not-staged-but-totally-staged photo opportunity that causes everyone to lean back and say, “Oh my God, so cute.”
Everyone over the age of 70 and under the age of 13 begin to crash and leave the reception. Meanwhile, the bride and groom’s college friends begin boosting off vodka-sodas and scotch-neats. Some of the groomsmen can be found smoking cigars on a patio somewhere while claiming which cattle each one of them will brand that night.
Last call occurs and everyone forgets that it’s a wedding and not a bar that closes at 2 a.m. Questions like, “Last call already?” and “Come on, can’t we keep this going a little longer?!” rumble throughout the dancefloor while everyone orders shots that the bride’s parents specifically requested the bartenders not serve.
The band plays the final song and everyone piles onto the stairs of the reception location. Sparklers are lit (and subsequently handed out again and relit because the bride and groom didn’t come out as planned).
Every couple argues outside over who should drive home because they’re both completely blasted and don’t want to get a DUI. The girls all sit in the passenger seat with their arms crossed while the guys roll the dice and head home. .
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