What Old People Really Think About Millennials

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My gramps has a lot of opinions about stuff, mostly on how dumb my brothers and I are, so I figured I’d put his professional opinion-making to use. Here’s what happens when you ask a 74-year-old Texan about a few current events and some pop culture memes going on in our world.

Selfies:

“I see enough of your friends’ dumb faces as it is.”

Eagles fans complaining about Nick Foles getting hit:

“It’s still football, ain’t it?”

Justin Bieber:

“Isn’t that the tattooed up Canadian kid who pissed in the bucket and talked shit about Bill Clinton? He’s alright in my book. Always liked them Canucks. Served with a few of ‘em in Dubya Dubya Two. Always pretty good with a rifle.”

YOLO:

“What’s the difference between that and ‘carpe diem’? Dumbasses been using that as an excuse for years.”

#tbt:

“You’re throwing back to stuff that happened, what, eight months ago? Boy, wait ‘til you got four or five decades under your belt before you start makin’ people look back on your business.”

Ray Rice:

“Nuh uh. Too many people already got their chops busted for talkin’ about that. I’m stayin’ away.”

Wesleyan forcing fraternities to admit women:

“If you’re going to Wesleyan, you weren’t looking for the fraternity experience anyway, were ya?”

Sexting:

“Who’s putting in that kind of effort? Don’t you kids have enough damn porn already?”

Long distance relationships: 

“If your grandma could handle two years of occasional letters and lots of silence while I was over in France, then you kids should sure as hell be able to make the occasional cheap flight work. Plus, you got that whole Skype deal now. Sometimes I wish I could selectively talk to your grandmother through the computer and turn her off when I felt like it. Don’t tell her I said that.”

LeBron James:

“He’s pretty good. I don’t much care who he plays for. Never really gave a rat’s ass about pro basketball after Pete Maravich took my money in a poker game back in ‘76.”

World Cup Soccer:

“I’d probably get up long enough to watch a game if they’d get up from squirmin’ on the ground long enough to play one.”

The Redskins name controversy:

“I hate the damn Redskins, so I hope their whole team gets disbanded. Damn fools tried to prevent Clint Murchison, Jr., from founding the Cowboys back in the ‘60s. Tell you what, idiots didn’t know you weren’t supposed to mess with a Murchison. They learned. Hell with ‘em.”

ISIS:

“Everyone’s all on board to blow up the bad guys they hear evil stories about until they’re the ones who gotta go do the blowin’ up.”

Twitter

“So you only get 140 letters to talk with? Well, I suppose I’m all for something that puts a limit on your jib jab. Maybe it’ll force you to think of something clever for once. ‘Brevity is the soul of wit.’ Mark Twain said that. I reckon you probably think you’re some sort of modern Twain with your dinkus Twitter listeners. Well, you ain’t, I’ll tell ya that much.”

Old people, am I right?

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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