Don’t let the title fool you. I think at this point in our lives, we all wonder if we’ll even legally be allowed to have children. At this rate, our lack of security, ambition, and preparedness points to utter failure as parents. Got the little + sign on your Clear Blue? You’re doomed. We may have been prepared for the work force (LOL, not really) but we’re most definitely not prepared for parenthood. This doesn’t make me want a gaggle of babies any less. Remember, many of our grandparents had one or two kids by this point in their lives. Woof. Let’s pretend we’ll have kids in the next decade and take a look at what kind of moms we would be.
The Hippie Mom
You’ll have dirty kids. Like, matted hair and dirt everywhere. Let’s pray they don’t smell, because that takes A LOT of neglect and ignorance. I mean, kids don’t smell naturally–they haven’t gone through puberty yet. If you get warnings from teachers, like in “Big Daddy,” don’t even pretend you’re surprised. Tell them it’s good for their immune system and that your child paints with all the colors of the wind. Unfortunately, this laissez-faire parenting style might ostracize your kid from the rest of the herd. Kids don’t like the kid who shoves his or her filthy little paw in the orange slice bag at halftime and completely defames all that is holy. They just don’t. It’s okay though, because you’ll have taught them that other human beings are just a concept and that even their bodies are simply part of the cycle of life and a temporary inconvenience to the universe.
The Hipster Mom
I’m surprised you even had kids–that’s so mainstream. It probably only happened because you don’t believe in birth control since the birth control is also so mainstream, and you found an equally obnoxious hipster in a bar drinking PBR. You went home and bumped uglies while smoking hand-rolled peyote spliffs. (Do these exist? If not I’m patenting it.) Regardless, you now have offspring and you’ll be damned if those kids feed from the hand of the man. You’ll teach them to BITE that hand. Maybe you’ll decide to invest a little bit of your busy (read: unemployed) life into said children. That means the kids are going to learn how to play the banjo and create Chinese characters. Useful shit, obviously. Public school? Fat chance. Gotta be homeschooled by some Sherpa from Nepal whose personal beliefs align closer with Hansel from “Zoolander” than any real person. Have fun with these devil children when you accidentally bring home non-organic naturally rolled flax-seed-infused weed brownies.
The “Cool” Mom
Essentially, your alcoholism that still prevails today will grow into the pillars of your parenthood. Perhaps the most obvious reference would be Regina’s mom, with her rock-hard nipples. Obviously you can’t be the cool mom if your boobs, hair, nails, or lashes are real–it’s science–so you might want get started on that #transformationtuesday ASAP. Also, never consider getting a real, full-time job, because you’ll need to spend the majority of your time at home cleaning, ordering takeout, and buying new Pottery Barn Teen stuff for your kids’ rooms. Your kids will naturally hate you, because you’ll try to be like them (especially when you borrow your tween’s screened tee) but their friends will love you because you’ll secretly provide all the mid-shelf booze for the “wet bar” in the basement. That’s a win in your book.
Please, for the love of God, don’t be this mom. If you’ve ever seen “Friday Night Tykes” or the “Trophy Kids” documentary, you know what I’m talking about. You’ll probably correct everything your kid does–and I mean everything. You’ll enroll baby Sally in $8k worth of prenatal classes before she even develops eyeballs. Once the baby actually comes out? Hell breaks loose. HOW WILL SHE EVER GET INTO HARVARD IF SHE DOESN’T LEARN FARCI BY AGE THREE? She won’t. Kid’s going to be in oboe lessons, writing courses, math tutorials, jiu-jitsu classes, voice lessons, and various other workshops before she can walk. I’m going to go ahead and bet you $1 billion it’s not going to work out and she’s going to quit whatever activity or sport you made her do (for her own good and future) before she gets within a whiff of a college scholarship. The pair of you together make everyone else around you feel uncomfortable at all times because of the constant bickering and pushing–the only thing you’ll push your kids into is a lengthy drug habit.
AKA Teen Mom. This is an infinitesimally small step below “Cool” Mom in many ways. You’re probably poorer because you shacked up with the guy who builds dirt bikes and sells fake IDs to underage kids in town, as opposed to the cool mom who married an “entrepreneur.” Your kids probably won’t know the difference between legal and illegal. But look at the bright side: you and your eldest daughter get to be pregnant at the same time!
Decent, Normal Mom
D) None of the above. Congratulations! Besides the secrets you keep from your kids for the rest of your life (like how you dropped them each at least four times and had no idea you couldn’t smoke, drink, or do copious amounts of drugs whilst pregnant) you’ve done a decent job of not mentally scarring them for life. But don’t kid yourself–your kids are still going to hate you for a good 10 years. Just go ahead and find that bottle and pretend you’ve found a hobby in wine tasting.