While walking down the aisles of your local grocery store, you can’t help but stare longingly at the jumbo sized bags of Halloween candy that are just begging you to buy them. Whether they’re for you to enjoy by yourself in the darkness of your home, or to give out to children like a normal person, is totally up to you. If you choose the latter, a critical question must be considered: which kind of candy are you going to hand out to those freeloading children? There are so many choices—too many. The paradox of choice, am I right? Well, you might be surprised, but which bag you grab says a lot about you.
Be more unoriginal. Seriously, Kit Kats are great, don’t get me wrong, but it’s the kind of candy a kid grabs from a pumpkin bucket and immediately shrugs off. It makes the children say, “Meh.” It’s the median of Halloween candy. Kit Kats are to candy what your status reports are to your company: depressingly mediocre. Up your game. Respect the holiday. Don’t mock the process.
You take this game seriously. You’re going to give the people what they want and they’ll love you for it. Everyone loves Reese’s. Everyone expects Reese’s—it’s the golden standard of Halloween. If you don’t deliver, you can bet your bottom dollar that the neighborhood children will rise up and toilet paper the shit out of your house. Reese’s are the same price as Kit Kats, so make the right decision. Reese’s is the prime rib of Halloween candy. And no mini-sized ones, either. Full cups all the way. Don’t hold back, bitch.
Reevaluate your life. I’ve lived 23 ½ years in this beautiful country and have yet to meet someone who actually liked Almond Joy. You know why? They don’t exist. Ron Swanson said it best: “Almonds give me the runs.” Do you really want to be single handedly responsible for hundreds of childrens’ abnormal bowel movements? Newsflash: those Almond Joy mini bars are going to sit at the bottom of those kids’ dressers or toy bins, never to be discovered until some years later. A sad, sad existence.
You’re old school and go against the grain of typical Halloween candies. You feel as if it is your duty to show the next generation that there are things beyond Snickers, Reese’s, M&Ms and Tootsie Rolls. You want them to think outside the box and diversify their candy haul. It may not be their favorite type of candy, but damnit, they won’t know until they try it.
Full Size Bars
You’re not fooling anyone. Did you lay-away those discount bags of candy? Did you max out your credit card? We know you can’t afford it. Only the heart surgeon down the block from my childhood house could swing that. Ironic though, that the heart surgeon was the one giving out the biggest fuel to literally stop a heart. Good for business, I guess. Learn some fiscal responsibility. God bless your company if you’re in charge of the budget. You should probably take that part out of your resume that claims you’re proficient at mathematics.
A child dressed in a full Batman suit runs from your neighbor’s house across the street to yours. There’s a car in the driveway, a blue TV glare through the closed blinds, but all of the lights are out. The poor kid’s mother peeks in the through the gap in the blinds and sees you in your boxers watching Mad Men on the lowest possible volume. She immediately carries her kid off your property. Were you too cheap? Did you completely forget? Did you accidentally eat it all yourself? Don’t you remember what it was like as a kid to walk by a dark, empty house on Halloween? It was soul crushing. You’re crushing children’s souls. Get your act together, man. Put some effort in.
You’re the worst. You might as well have hung yourself on your front porch.