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What It’s Like To Be 24 And Unemployed

johnnycashmiddlefinger

As I drive down the streets of Austin, Texas, one of the fastest growing cities in the country, where it is well-known that some 130+ average people move per day, I see construction workers, bus drivers, gas station employees, mailmen and businessmen that are waiting at the crosswalks downtown, and I can’t help but wonder, “How TF do ALL of these people have jobs and I don’t?!” I literally want to pull over and ask them, “Hey, man. Just wondering, but…how are you employed? How can I become employed, too? Got any tips for your girl?”

Besides having literally no idea ever what day of the week it is, much less the actual date, I am slowly losing touch with reality. I’ve been unemployed now for about four months. That is a LONG TIME to have literally nothing to do but apply to jobs. Sure, it’s nice in a way. Not having to put clothes on and step out of my house is cool (thank you, Jimmy John’s), but it gets old. Applying to a million jobs a day, going through the initial phone interview process, and going on actual interviews is no longer “exciting news” to tell my friends and family. It’s torture.

Now that you can apply to almost any and all jobs online, it makes the application process so freaking miserable. I’ve spent anywhere from 30 minutes to five hours on applications, just to hear a big, fat “NO” from companies in which I KNOW I would be a perfect fit. Most of the time, I hear nothing from these companies. Absolutely NOTHING. I have a freaking college degree in advertising and public relations. I went through college in the allotted time of four years. I am personable, outgoing, and talented (if you ask me), and I definitely know my shit. I’m not an idiot and really don’t think I should have to be pooled with a bunch of burnout losers who have been half-assing applications for the past year and a half and secretly enjoy being unemployed and having zero income.

The worst part is, the places I’ve gone in for interviews are not at all for the position in which I’ve spent hours applying. No, I did not get a Bachelor of Science at a respected university to stand at a freaking Walmart and beg innocent people to sign up for a different cable company at a discount. I did not work my attention deficit-having ass off for four years of my life to sit at a front desk all day and answer phones. I got a degree to do work that I know I am good at/extremely qualified to do. I am so mad at “the system” that it’s not even funny anymore.

My resumé is on-point. My interview skills are legit. I am at least somewhat attractive and put-together. I work well with other humans. I work well on my own. Seriously, companies of this city, WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT FROM ME? Do I need to start sending in freaking naked pictures of myself to CEOs? Do I need to start paying YOU to hire ME or at least to take one freaking glance at my application? Tell me, working world. Tell me what I need to do. AND, I know people. I know A LOT of people. I have connections. I have friends that are employed in my city. I have been referred so many times to companies in which I would love to work. I put my point-of-reference(s) in all my applications when asked. But does any of this help me one freaking ounce? NO! Can someone PLEASE tell me why?!

So now, with nowhere else to turn in my time of desperation, I’ve decided to get my real estate license. Sure, Bravo’s “Million Dollar Listing” inspired me to do so, but the point is I’m doing it. I have always wanted to do this and always thought I’d be good at it and that’s all that matters. I have one more course to take until I can take my licensing exam, and GUESS WHAT companies of this city that have neglected to give me any sort of chance imaginable — I will be the best real estate agent this city has ever seen. I now have a fire lit under my ass that is so hot, it is about to burn my freaking tits off.

In closing, screw you, hiring managers of my past. You just missed out on the best employee you will never have. Don’t ever give up hope, my unemployed friends. Go out into the world and educate yourself on something new. Get another degree, get your master’s, take some courses on something you’ve been interested in all your life, and become the best whatever-it-is you can be. You deserve it. After all, being unemployed is the hardest job you will ever have — so things can only go up from here.

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