I am currently in the process of leaving my job for another in a different city. Leaving one job is always messy in and of itself, from preparing for your successor to packing up all the random crap you’ve accumulated at your desk. But my transition so far has been smooth and steady, like taking a really satisfying dump. I told my boss that I was leaving, and I put my two weeks in on the same day that I got offered my new job. It was simple and quick—for me, at least.
There’s been a minimum level of preparation for my departure, like my boss wasn’t sure I was actually going to go. Somehow, he seems overly confident that when I do leave, someone will just step right into my role with essentially no training at all and things will work perfectly from there on out. It seems oversimplified to me, but then again, I don’t work that hard so what the fuck do I know? Maybe it will be that easy. I’ll have to check back in in a few months and see how things are going– just kidding, I don’t care.
Anyhow, throughout this whole transition, I’ve found myself being required to make a lot of small talk regarding the fact that I’m leaving, and most of what I wind up saying to people is just blatantly untrue. My boss doesn’t need to know what I’m really saying in my head while I’m smiling and nodding, and neither does HR, but you guys really, really do. Let me break down the best of the lies I’ve told in my last week at this job.
What I’m Saying: I’m really going to miss working with all of you!
What I Really Mean: I’m going to miss working with a few people, sure— namely, the people that I gossiped about the rest of y’all with. I’m still not even sure of most of your names. Especially that one weird guy from IT. I won’t miss you, weird guy from IT.
What I’m Saying: I’ve gained a lot of valuable experience in my time here.
What I Really Mean: I’ve gained a lot of valuable experience here in knowing when someone is going to catch me if I slack off, and when I can get away with it. I’ve also learned that if you’re going to massively overwork me you should also not be paying me so little money that I have trouble affording toilet paper. That one took me awhile to figure out, but I got there, and I’m bitter about it now.
What I’m Saying: I’m carefully preparing for a new person to take over my role.
What I Really Mean: I’ve literally been watching Netflix six hours a day for the past four months. I have a multitude of things that I do or at least am supposed to do every day, and I have not even remotely begun to prepare to teach anyone else to do any of them.
What I’m Saying: I’ve left detailed instructions for my successor.
What I Really Mean: It’s a Word document with the lyrics to “I Will Survive” copy and pasted in there. Best of luck.
What I’m Saying: Wow, this good-bye card is so thoughtful. Thanks, everyone.
What I Really Mean: Your generic “hoping for success in your future endeavors” is literally going straight into the trash when I get home.
What I’m Saying: Yes, I’d love to grab a drink after work on my last day!
What I Really Mean: I cannot believe you assholes are going to make me spend additional hours with you when I don’t even work here anymore. For the love of God, leave me the fuck alone.
What I’m Saying: Yes, I understand that I signed an NDA regarding trade secrets and I have no plans to ever divulge any confidential information related to the company.
What I Really Mean: I didn’t sign anything swearing I wouldn’t talk about the fact that you were fucking my coworker this entire time and acting like you weren’t to HR. That little detail will definitely be a highlight of my exit interview.
What I’m Saying: I think my leaving will be a smooth transition, overall.
What I Really Mean: My boss literally has not yet made up his mind about my replacement. It’s going to be insanity. But I won’t be there with the fire extinguisher, so someone else is going to have to do damage control. Bye, bitches. It’s been real..
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