Hollywood has a horrible habit of taking movies we loved when we were younger and remaking them into a bastardized version we cannot even recognize. Luckily for us, they usually do it to movies that they think will either benefit from an actor the current generation knows, like Great Gatsby or Psycho, or from better special effect technology like Robocop. What if Hollywood remade ALL of our favorite childhood movies to appeal to today’s America? How badly would they ruin our childhood?
Lebron James would replace Michael Jordan and comedically unathletic Jonah Hill would replace Bill Murray. Instead of being alien slavers, the Monstars would be evil 1% Wall Street bankers who sold penny stocks to Elmer Fudd. The real life NBA players the Monstars stole their talent from would all be put on one team and be mistaken for the Cleveland Cavaliers. Bugs Bunny’s “magic drink” at half time would be a Four Loko. The game winning dunk wouldn’t be a cartoony slow-mo drop-in to R Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly.” It would be a multi-angle, glass-shattering tomahawk dunk done to the narration of Lebron’s “What Should I Do” commercial.
Rookie of the Year
One of the guys from One Direction would be cast as Henry Rowengartner, enraging Gary Busey to the point where he burns down Wrigley Field.
Since Robin Williams hasn’t gotten significant work in over a decade, the hilariously monotone H. Jon Benjamin would voice the Genie instead. In order to not piss off radical Muslims, Jasmine would be wearing a burka at all times and obey her father under any and all circumstances. Aladdin would be arrested for owning Abu without having an exotic animal permit and having numerous unpaid magic carpet speeding tickets. The best scene in the movie will be when Jafar turns out to be a member of Al Qaeda and is neutralized by a predator drone. America, fuck yeah.
Charlie Sheen will still star as Ricky Vaughn, but 20 years older and all cracked out. Whenever “Wild Thing” plays, he snorts a line of cocaine off a porn star’s cleavage and screams “Tiger blood!” before head butting Roger Dorn. He’s not bipolar. He’s bi-winning. Dennis Haysbert will return to play Pedro Cerrano again, but is silent until the very end of the movie where he turns to the camera and says, “Are you in good hands?” Willie Mays Hays will get arrested for tax evasion at the beginning of the season and Rachel Phelps, now played by Jessica Walter, will die of liver failure.
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
Jim Carrey, now on a more effective medication, returns as a much more mild-mannered, distant, Matlock-style Ace Ventura. Dan Marino’s hookup with Lt. Lois Einhorn, AKA “Ray Finkle,” is no longer taboo because of Michael Sam. Dan Marino and Ray Finkle live happily ever after and Jim Carrey is asked to be unmedicated before shooting for the Dumb and Dumber sequel begins.
Angels in the Outfield
In this remake of a remake, the Angels still suck. God has lost all his sympathy for the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and they go 0-162 in the regular season after trading Mike Trout for Chase Utley. The team is on the verge of bankruptcy due to Albert Pujols’ contract and must have a winning season in order to avoid moving to actual Los Angeles. George Knox, this time played by Samuel L Jackson instead of Danny Glover, retires in disgrace, dropping several F-bombs along the way. Joseph Gordon Levitt is replaced with Maisie Williams from “Game of Thrones.”
To keep in step with the original, another no-name, one-hit-wonder kid actor plays Preston Waters. When Preston cashes the $1 million, he completely gets away with it. Unfortunately, his frugal investor father was a major Romney donor and gets audited by the IRS. After a thorough examination of the entire family’s finances, Preston’s stolen $1 million is discovered. He is the first child ever in America to be thrown in juvie for tax evasion.
An American Tale: Fievel Goes West
The movie starts off normally, but just before Fievel hitches a ride on the tumbleweed, he is shot with a stray bullet from a gun from Operation Fast and Furious. Green River becomes an area heavy with cartel drug trafficking and the evil cats are turned into involuntary coke mules. Fievel’s family overdoses on coke when they think it’s snow and try to make snow angels in it. The movie never makes it out of pre-production due to budget cuts.