Spoilers Below. Literally, the entire series is spoiled in the paragraph below.
After Sunday night’s brutal season finale of Game of Thrones, we are reminded once again that George RR Martin has no soul. You’d think we would have learned by now, but after Ned Stark’s execution, Stannis’ surprise loss at the Blackwater, the Red Wedding, Joffrey’s poisoning, Oberyn’s death, and Stannis burning his only child to death, the Season Five finale still shocked millions of viewers, even those who prepared themselves for a surprise or two. It was a record number of primary character deaths in one episode, killing off several storylines and creating several others. George RR Martin and the show’s writers have repeatedly said they want the show to be a lifelike drama, in line with history—the good guy doesn’t always win and the heroic don’t always get to live up to their potential. It shows that bad things happen to good and bad people and only the cunning linguists survive.
If that’s the approach George RR Martin wants to take, be thankful he’s stuck to Game of Thrones his whole professional life and hasn’t dabbled elsewhere. Could you imagine if he had written some of the stories that defined our childhoods? Here are seven examples of what this monster’s story tweaks would look like:
When Aladdin steals that loaf of bread in the beginning, he gets caught just when it looks like he is going to escape and has his hand chopped off. He survives, but continues to live a miserable existence until he is approached by Jafar to go into the Cave of Wonders. When Jafar betrays him and kicks him back down into the Cave of Wonders, Jafar keeps the genie’s lamp, and Aladdin dies horribly from the fall. Abu starves to death. The Sultan is killed suspiciously after being trampled by a camel, and Jafar becomes Sultan. He might someday be overthrown by Princess Jasmine and her pet tiger, who are on another continent, but since she hasn’t really done anything to that end yet, nobody knows for sure.
The Wet Bandits break into the McCallister household and kill Kevin by throwing him down the stairs when he tries to interfere. They rob the house blind, move onto the next house, and continue their crime spree until they accidentally break into a disguised crackhouse (it is Chicago, after all) and get blown away with a .357 magnum.
After the security system is brought back online, the humans are able to fight their way through the hordes of carnivores, with plenty of close calls, back to the visitor center. However, when Lex and Tim are being pursued by the two raptors in the kitchen, they are unable to escape and are brutally killed and devoured. When the t-rex saves Alan Grant and Ellie Satler from the velociraptors at the end, they look like they are going to be able to get away until they are chased down and eaten by the t-rex. As John Hammond tries to escape via helicopter, he falls out of the helicopter to his death and is eaten by compys. Ian Malcolm is the lone survivor, and his extreme grief leads him to change his name to Reek and he drinks himself to death alone in a brothel.
Pretty much the same, except you get to actually see William Wallace get castrated, disemboweled, quartered, and beheaded for high treason, and there’s no way in hell he’d be able to shout “Freedom” before dying of shock. People still think he might come back in a sequel for some reason.
Satellite evidence has indicated the existence of the aliens, and NASA believes that the aliens will attack when they get to Earth, but, like the White Walkers, it takes more than five sequels for the aliens to actually get to Earth. The president, more worried about his personal life than protecting the country, is killed while flying his personal propeller plane on quaaludes. His vice president takes over and has David Levinson audited by the IRS and thrown in prison.
Dumb and Dumber
Lloyd Christmas is raped and killed by the pissed-off trucker. The hitman kills Harry and takes the briefcase. Nobody buys a Lamborghini with straight cash, trades a van for a scooter, accidentally kills someone with peppers, mistakes Samsonite for Swanson, or pranks anyone with laxatives. Nobody laughs.
The Lion King
When Scar and grownup Simba fight for control of the kingdom, Simba pins Scar to the ground, and it appears he has won. However, Scar, being the more experienced fighter, is able to literally claw out Simba’s eyes and mauls poor blind Simba. Scar, now king, is later assassinated by Rafiki with poison made out of monkey poo and rancid meat and frames the hyenas. The hyenas are punished for their treason with torture by Pumba farts and execution. Nala becomes queen and, in her grief over Simba, rules with an iron fist, eventually even executing Timon for singing out of tune.
Thank goodness George RR Martin never got his hands on these stories or we’d be an even more fucked up generation than we already are..
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