I know that this joke is ridiculously cliché at this point, but Justin Bieber cried at his own performance last night on the VMAs, and Wes Craven is dead. Who would want to live on this planet anymore?
The VMAs have always been the epitome of a ridiculous, over-the-top shitshow that spit in the face of award show “institutions,” with such outstanding moments as Howard Stern dropping in as “Fartman” in 1992 and Eminem’s absolute fire performance of “The Real Slim Shady” in 2000.
However, since the infamous Kanye West/Taylor Swift “I’m-a Let You Finish” moment, the VMAs have essentially become a chance for the douchier millennial stars to top one another by seeing who can be the douchiest. Crazy outfits, “twerking,” masturbating live on stage — Remember when MTV was the groundbreaking network that played live concerts with Nirvana and Pearl Jam? Me neither.
But all these phony antics and showstopping bullcrap dominates the news cycle and kills in the ratings, and the other traditional award shows like the Academy Awards just can’t compete. So here’s a few ways some of your favorite Movie Stars will try and spice up the Oscars:
ABC shows a shot of Dame Helen Mirren’s exposed nipple.
Daniel Day Lewis announces he’s running for president in 2020 because he still thinks he’s Lincoln.
In a skit gone awry, Jack Black flies through the audience and lands in Quentin Tarantino’s lap; Tarantino shoots him in the head.
Mel Brooks beefs with Meek Mill by eating his Pastrami and Corned Beef sandwich backstage.
Jennifer Hudson wears nothing but a snake to sing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” over the “In Memoriam” video.
Kanye West interrupts director Paul Haggis: “Haggis, I’m real happy for you winning ‘Best Picture’ for Crash, and I’m-a let you finish, but ‘Brokeback Mountain’ was the best movie of 2005!”
Director Alfonso Cuarón announces that principal production has begun on Gravity 2 by actually shooting Sandra Bullock and George Clooney into space.
In order to regain relevance, Mickey Rourke starts a fake beef with the dog from The Artist (Who actually died a few weeks ago, RIP).
Matthew McConaughey, Woody Harrelson, and Willie Nelson get stoned backstage (actually, this happens at every awards show anyway).
Lupita Nyong’o presents Mauren O’Hara a lifetime achievement award by twerking on her.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie make a joint statement that their daughter has changed her name to “The Child Formerly Known as Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt.”
Dame Angela Lansbury performs the song Beauty and the Beast wearing pasties.
June Squibb from Nebraska bludgeons Jennifer Lawrence with an Oscar statue.
Miley Cyrus, Nicki Minaj and Ariana Grande debut their new music video, which is essentially just an INCREDIBLY offensive spoof of the film Munich.
Meryl Streep wins Best Leading Actress for ‘Ricki and the Flash’ .
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