For those of you who have not yet had the pleasure of this annual torture, and have not yet surmised the obvious, annual performance reviews suck a big, fat one. Especially the “self-evaluation” portion your supervisor makes you fill out, which is a full two pages of questions regarding how you feel you’ve “performed” in the past year, which forces you to lie like you haven’t lied since that time you snuck out in high school to get high, and go mailbox bowling. Whatever, don’t judge me. High school was a difficult time.
If I had my way, I’d answer that performance eval with brutal honesty. It would probably look something like this:
Describe what you consider to be your top responsibilities?
Let’s be honest, my biggest responsibility here probably involves giving the secretary admin down the hall someone to bore with her stories about how her Pomeranian got his head stuck in a cereal box last night. At the very least, I am responsible enough to keep my desk covered in the appropriate amount of clutter so that I always look busy, that counts for something, right?
What were your goals for the past year?
Besides get paid and not get fired? I didn’t realize people had more goals than that at this company. Oh, I take that back, my real goals were to hook up with Sarah from HR and not fall asleep on every conference call I had the misfortune of attending.
Which goals did you achieve and how?
Seeing as I am now chained to my desk, with half of a Venti Hazlenut Non-fat Latte in me, answering these stupid fucking questions, it’s obvious that I did not get fired. Since my landlord has not called to tell me my rent check bounced, it’s obvious that I am still being paid.
Are there any goals you did not accomplish?
Happy hour is 6 hours and 34 minutes away, ask me about Sarah from HR after that. Oh, and I may have dozed off on a dozen couple calls. You obviously didn’t know about it until now so can you really hold that against me? I mean, come on.
How would you rate your overall performance this year?
Let’s be straight up, I “perform” a lot better after a couple car bombs and a domestic sixer, and since you still have not taken my advice about putting a minibar in the copier room, I’d say there is definitely some room for improvement. The copier is broken 75% of the time anyway, and think of what a minibar would do for morale! Employees need to feel comfortable and appreciated in the workplace in order to achieve maximum productivity, and I don’t know about you, but nothing says, “I appreciate you” better than a G&T at the 10:00am status meeting. Just sayin’.
What do you see yourself doing at this company in 3-5 years?
I’ll answer this question two ways. What I will most likely be doing, if I still “work” at this shithole, is the same shit I do today. Sit at my desk playing Candy Crush and looking at Facebook for half the day with my shoes off and my tie loosened, pretending to be busy enough not to be assigned any new work, and making the same $35K a year you pay me now, you cheapskate. What I SHOULD be doing is sitting at YOUR desk playing Candy Crush and looking at Facebook for half the day with my shoes off and my tie loosened, pretending to be busy enough not to be assigned any new work, and making the $85K a year they pay YOU. The only thing different is that my Bachelor’s degree would be hanging where your Associate’s degree hangs right now. Who hangs a damn Associate’s Degree and how do you make $85K a year with it? Whatever, fuck you. I’ve managed to piss away 6 hours on this assignment and it’s now almost time for happy hour, if you’ll excuse me.