What I’d Actually Like To Say In My Job Interview

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What I'd Actually Like To Say In My Job Interview

Hello, I’m Dannah. Thank you for inviting me to interview for this Job I Don’t Care About. It’s nice to meet you as well. Before we sit down to begin, I’d like to get real as shit with you, if you don’t mind.

Since I know you are already judging me by my appearance, I’d like to express that I never dress like this. I had to dig very deep into my closet for this skirt because I was afraid that if I showed my knees, you would either get horny or offended, depending on your gender. I don’t think I own anything that could be termed a “blouse,” so this white oddly fitting button-up that I just bought at H&M will have to do. Please don’t mind the obvious fold creases. I wasn’t sure about pantyhose, so considering the fact that I’m not Kate Middleton, I made the executive decision to never wear those ever in my life. These shoes are the only thing I’m proud of, and you’ll probably never see them again because Sex and the City is a show of lies and no one wears heels to work in New York City given that we walk everywhere. Only people who can afford car services do that, and I wouldn’t be here if I could afford a regular car service, now would I?

While I’m at it, let’s do our best to avoid questions that could be answered by looking at the resume I have provided you with on multiple occasions. In the event of this, I will respond by casually referring to my resume by pointing to the copy that is very clearly sitting atop your desk. You can take this as aggression if you wish, but it’s not my fault that you didn’t do your homework.

Shall we begin?

“Tell me about yourself.”

No thanks. I know what you want, and it hurts me deeply that you only want to know how much I think my internship prepared me for a job of this genre. Instead, you should want to know that I once ate thirteen Krispy Kreme donuts in one sitting. The latter is way more impressive and tells you more about me then how many times I got my old pregnant boss’s coffee order right (all of them). She won a Primetime Emmy that year and I’m not saying it’s because of my excellent intern skills but I’m not saying it’s not because of my excellent intern skills (it definitely isn’t).

“Why are you looking for another job?”

See: Previous Employment — Bartender. They make it look so fun on sitcoms. I promise you, it is not.

“What do you know about this organization?”

Literally nothing. I Googled it earlier this week and have forgotten everything I memorized for this exact moment.

“Why do you want this job?”

I have brought in a copy of my bank statements from the past five years and if you see, here, I am approximately $60,000 in debt and my rent is due in a week.

“Who are our main competitors?”

LeBron James and Steph Curry.

“What would your previous co-workers say about you?”

I’ll just give you verbatim what my third-grade report card said: Plays well with others, though occasionally lashes out. Social butterfly. Has repeatedly challenged people to drinking competitions at inappropriate locations and times. Okay, I added that last part.

“How do you handle stressful situations and working under pressure?”

Mentally cursing people out and drinking heavily.

“Are you applying for other jobs?”

Yes. But also no. I’m still waiting for my call from Lorne. So kind of.

“What are you like working in a team?”

I hate team projects because everyone hates team projects because everyone hates everyone and everyone’s coworkers are idiots. I saw you side-eye the receptionist, so I know that you know that already.

“What sort of person do you not like to work with?”

Well… you.

“What is your greatest strength?”

Excellent ass. My nickname in high school was “ass.” They weren’t the most creative bunch.

“What is your greatest weakness?”

A man in a tie. Half-Windsor, because who has time for a full?

“What has been your biggest professional achievement/disappointment thus far?”

Coincidentally, both happened within hours of each other. I was invited to play in the annual company softball game after assuring my boss that I was good at softball, when in reality I played for one year when I was eight. I was the catcher and turned away in fear every time the ball was thrown at me. But my childhood failures are not the point. I was invited to play in the company softball game and played decently, much to the approval of my boss. That is the achievement. She liked me a lot after that. The disappointment occurred when we all went to a bar after the game and I accidently hit someone in the face with a bat. That sounds like I’m just saying it was an accident because how do you accidently hit someone in the face with a bat? But really, the bat was in a my bag. I went in for a hug, bat straight to the face.

“What kind of decisions do you find most difficult to take?”

To go to the gym or to not go to the gym? That is the question.

“Tell me about a suggestion that you have made that has been successfully implemented.”

Panama City. Spring Break. 2009. I told Tony that he should definitely not beer-bong half of a fifth of vodka. Everyone agreed, and Tony did not, in fact, beer-bong the half of fifth of vodka. Some would call that heroic, but to each their own.

“Have you ever had to bend the rules in order to achieve a goal?”

Sometimes I steal from Sephora because makeup is overpriced. I achieved my goal of acquiring makeup, so in short, the answer is yes.

“Are you willing to travel or relocate if necessary?”

This a trick question. You say travel, I think Capri. You say relocate, I think LA. What you mean is, “Are you willing to spend a significant portion of your life in Akron, Ohio?”

No. No I am not.

“Why should we hire you?”

You probably shouldn’t. And yet…

“Regarding salary, what are your expectations?”

Regarding performance, what are yours?

“Do you have any questions for me?”

What are your 401(k) plan options? Just kidding. My mom told me to ask that and I have no idea what it means. Can I leave now? I think that’s all.

So nice to meet you. Oh, you’ll be in touch? I doubt it. But thanks for appeasing me. Also, you have lipstick on your teeth and I hate you.


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